Transcription:X-Academy

CYCLOPS: Look sharp, team!

PROFESSOR X: (as he appears) Remember, my X-Men. Use extreme caution! This is your most dangerous mission yet!

CYCLOPS: Right, Professor!

(A Sentinel zaps the X-Men with a beam, vaporizing them, and stomping on the ground where the X-Men were)

PROFESSOR X: (appearing again) Oh, is it okay if I delete Real World: Road Rules Challenge off the TiVo, because it's been a-- Wow. I'm going to need some new students.

(At the Xavier Mansion)

PROFESSOR X: Welcome, recruits. Though we had to lower our standards, thanks to the shortage of the actual mutants. The dangers you'll face are no less real! You'll be defending the world that hates and fears you!

JONES: What?! Hate and fear us? Because we're mutants?

PROFESSOR X: No, because you're in the Police Academy movies.

(The scene scrolls through the Police Academy characters while Jones making wheelchair squeaking noises)

PROFESSOR X: The hell is wrong with this chair? And it seems we're missing one recruit..

(The Blackbird jet comes crashing down, the right wing fell off, collided with cars, and Mahoney opened the canopy)

MAHONEY: Sorry, I'm late.

PROFESSOR X: (at the window, shaking his fist) Mahoney...!

(At the Danger Room)

PROFESSOR X: This is the Danger Room, the ultimate training facility. (Pushes the button to activate) You never know what you might face: Killer death rays, flying buzzsaws, inflatable ALF bop-bags... Let's begin.

(Several robots enter the Danger Room. Tackleberry guns them down, Hightower performs a overhead throw on one of them, Mahoney is against the wall with the knives being thrown around him, and Hooks went under the table with the swinging blade above it)

JONES: (robotic voice) Hello, my robot brother. I'm...(normal voice) Larvell Jones. (robotic voice) Destroy all humanoids!

(the robot confronting Jones kicks him in the groin)

HOOKS: Uh.. Um.. E-excuse me, um... (A small drone fires a laser at Hooks' hand) Um, please... Stop that...

PROFESSOR X: (appears) Hooks! You're an X-Man! Act like one!

HOOKS: (quickly gets up) Who wants a piece of me, dirtbags?! (A swinging blade slices Hooks down the middle)

PROFESSOR X: For heaven's sake, get that body to the morgue. Move it, move it, move it!!

(A few minutes later, 3 of the recruits appear in the movie X-Men suits while Jones performs a Super Sentai-style pose)

PROFESSOR X: Hightower, we haven't got all day. (Hightower pushes down the wall, wearing Storm's first costume) Well, that's horrifying. Recruits, these battle suits are stylish, temperature controlled, and best of all, bulletproof.

TACKLEBERRY: (draws out a gun) Awesome!

MAHONEY: Tackleberry, no!!

(Tackleberry shoots himself in his face with his gun)

PROFESSOR X: Of course, they can only protect the parts of you they actually cover.

(Jones is sitting on a sofa reading a newspaper while making wheelchair squeaking noises. Professor X rolls around on his wheelchair)

PROFESSOR X: Stupid chair. Hey! You! It's been you all along!

JONES: Huh?

PROFESSOR X: Try making your cute sound effects with a telepathically erased brain.

(Professor X telepathically erases Larvell's brain)

PROFESSOR X: Ha! (his wheelchair squeaks) Uh-oh.

PROFESSOR X: Welcome new graduates of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters.

MAHONEY: He's in for a surprise.

PROFESSOR X: As X-Men, you now carry the great responsibility of--

(Xavier's pants zip down)

PROFESSOR X: Some mischief maker has gone to great lengths to hide a prostitute under my podium. Unfortunately, I'm paralyzed from the waist down and her enthusiastic efforts are quite for naught.

PROFESSOR X: As I was saying, the X-Men-- (looks down) I didn't say stop.

MAHONEY: Look sharp, team!

PROFESSOR X: (as he appears) Remember, my X-Men. Use extreme caution!

(The Sentinel kicks the 3 recruits far)

PROFESSOR X: Oh, well. Same time next week?

(The Sentinel nods yes)