[Two thugs are harrassing an old man [McKay] in his bar. One holds a wooden board with a nail in it.]
Thug 1: Nice place you got here pops. You should pay us for protection, make sure nothing... (nudges McKay with the board) happens to it.
McKay: Oh, I've got a policy with All-State, so I'm in good hands.
Thug 2: Oh, yeah? You insured against this? (knocks over the jukebox he was leaning on)
McKay: Yes, that's in the policy.
Thug 1: Well now your rates will go up, right? (shoves the board in McKay's face)
McKay: Oh no! I can't afford that!
Thug 1: Ha ha ha! We'll be back for our money! Ha ha ha, big exit laugh! (both thugs leave)
Thug 2: (o.s.) Hehe, I hate small business owners!
McKay: (grabs the telephone) Hello, operator? What's the name of those war criminals turned mercenaries who get paid to protect you from criminals who want to get paid for protection? (gasps) Oh yeah! The A-Team!
[Outside McKay's bar, a big, clunky black and red van drives up erratically, knocking down garbage cans and hitting a newspaper vending box.]
McKay: How exciting! Hannibal, B.A. Baracus, and the whole team!
Handyballs: (smoking a very long cigarrette, opening the driver's side door) Negatory on that communique, chief. Ah, your credit's not good enough for the A-Team. We are the B-Team! (hits the play button on a boom box which plays a cheap knockoff of the A-team theme song, as the other three members of the team emerge)
Handyballs: (close-up of a muscular black man with a huge afro) G.D. "Generally Displeased" Barabus.
G.D.: Better not be riding no trains! I like drinking my apple juice!
Handyballs: (camera pans to a stereotypical gay man with a cravat) Noah "Assman" Hathaway.
Assman: Charms and kisses from me to you!
Handyballs: (aside) He played Boxey on the original Battlestar Galactica. (camera pans to a twitchy, spazzing man in a straight jacket) Captain F.N. "F***in' Nuts" Madlock.
Madlock: P-P-PLEASE make my memories go away!
Handyballs: And I'm Handyballs. Got that handle undercover in Hanoi. Don't ask why, and I won't tell.
McKay: Good golly, what is the C-Team like?
Handyballs: Eh, a bunch of surly midgets.
[At the thugs' garage, the two are playing cards. The B-Team's van suddenly screeches to a halt outside with its theme music blaring. The B-Team walks up to the thugs.]
Handyballs: Here's the deal boys: You leave town and my friend here doesn't change your zip-code to 0-0-0-my nose is broken.
G.D.: I got sympathy for that 'tard! Grrrrr!
Thug 2: Uh-uh, g-give us just a sec here.
(The thugs walk outside and close and lock the garage door.)
Handyballs: Damn it, they tricked us!
Madlock: (kicks over a table and chair and screams) AAAAAH, I CAN'T TAKE IT! (he ambles around the garage, groaning and shivering)
[The rest of the team spots a lawn mower and various power tools around the garage.]
G.D.: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Handyballs: I love it when a plan's gonna come together eventually!
Assman: Let's do it!
G.D.: I like using big tools!
[With their theme song playing, Handyballs picks up a saw, G.D. a blowtorch, and Assman a chainsaw. Madlock comes back on-screen with a rope wrapped around him, smiling and twitching. They are ready to plot their escape.]
Title Card: [12 hours later]
[Two cops open the garage with black gas billowing out, causing both of them to cough. Handyballs, G.D., and Assman are lying on a crude construction of theirs, dead.]
Cop 1: (coughs) Dead from carbon monoxide.
Cop 2: Oh! (Madlock suddenly swings into view and bumps into the cop, having hanged himself on the rope) Oh my gosh! This is the worst thing I've seen since that old bar owner was beaten to death earlier today.
Cop 1: Hey, check this out. (presses play on the B-Team's boom box, and the two cops dance to the theme song)
Cop 2: Ooh. Take the tape.
(Channel Flip)