(Note: Narrator is in regular text. The Lorax is in bold. The Moolah is in italic. Horton, the Cat in the Hat, and the Sneetches are in underline. Visuals are indicated by [bracketed text])
- In a town called Los Angeles, people felt groovy,
- For The Lorax had opened one hell of a movie.
- The studio was happy, the parties were tasteful. [we see a wrap party for the Lorax's movie taking place]
- But poor Mr. Lorax found it all wasteful.
- "This sucks" he complained as they toasted Cristal.
- "They haven't been listening to me at all!"
- Then out popped the Moolah, a marvelous chap, [The Moolah enters]
- While the Lorax droned on with his usual crap.
- "My name is The Lorax, I speak for the trees"
- But the mopulous Moolah just did one of these, [the Moolah makes a "jerking off" gesture]
- And rolling his eyes, interrupted, "Oh, please!"
- "Our planet is fucked, and you're earnest as hell"
- "But that hippity dippity crap doesn't sell!"
- "We can all make a difference, no matter how tiny."
- He said, and the Moolah shot back, "God, you're whiny!"
- "Nobody likes a shrill liberal shouter!"
- "So I fixed up your film with my new Message-Outer!" [cut to the Message Outer invention]
- "It snipped out your message. Dude, morals are lame."
- "The real money's made in the merchandise game!"
- And then with a big mighty roar from his trunk
- Appeared Horton the Elephant washing his junk! [cut to Horton washing his genitalia]
- "Oh, Lorax", said Horton, "I know how you feel."
- "I once had a whole goody-goody type schpiel."
- "A person's a person, no matter how small" [we see Horton trying, unsuccessfully, to spread his message]
- "Let me tell you, that shit didn't catch on at all!" [Horton angrily crushes the Whoville clover beneath his foot]
- "So I got a new look, a new name, something blunter."
- "I've rebranded myself now as 'Horton: Who-Hunter'!" [cut to Horton in a Rambo-style outfit, torching Who clovers with a flamethrower]
- From the shadows, the Cat in the Hat overheard. [The Cat in the Hat appears]
- And approaching the Lorax, said, "What up, nerd?"
- "You taught the kids to responsibly play!"
- But the Cat in the Hat said, "That crap didn't pay!"
- "Forget cleaning house, I'm straight cleaning up, guy!"
- "Now, I'm off to go hang with Jamiroquai!" [The Cat hops onto a Seuss-style bike driven by Jamiroquai]
- "I'm living the dream, and if parents are pissed,"
- "They can put in a call to my new publicists!"
- "Thing 1 and Thing 2, they're both on my payroll!" [Thing 1 and Thing 2 appear, signing papers and taking phone calls]
- The Lorax was stunned. "Holy crap, what an a-hole!"
- "No more", said the Lorax. "No more of these speeches!"
- "How 'bout just one more? You remember the Sneetches?"
- "We once had a message, and a good one, too, bro!" [cut to three Sneetches]
- "But did we get a movie? Well, did we? HELL, NO!"
- "We tried to teach tolerance, and where did that get us?"
- "So, fuck it! We'd rather make mountains of lettuce!" [cut to the Sneetches' pile of money]
- "There's my house, it's 12 stories with 40 jacuzzis." [shot of the Moolah's mansion]
- "6 cars, 19 butlers, unlimited floozies" [his cars, butlers, and women are all shown]
- "It's what it's about, man! It's capitalism!"
- And the Lorax responded with geysers of jism! [the Lorax pops open a bottle of champagne]
- Thanks to the Moolah, that marketing whore,
- He could finally see what he hadn't before!
- "I'll get me an agent, an accountant named Herschel!" [cut to the Lorax's accountant and agent]
- "A toyline, a lunchbox, an IHOP commercial!" [cut to the Lorax shredding up Truffula Trees]
- Then the Lorax got rich and was totally stoked, [cut to the Lorax lounging by a pool, drink in hand]
- 'Til the day he contracted AIDS, and then croaked.
- "WHAT?!?"
(sketch ends)