(The "Bloopers!" logo shows up, and then the host walks onto the screen, and the logo moves out of view.)
Bloopers Host: Are you ready for more of those hilarious bloopers? Well, unfortunately, those hilarious clips have to be licensed, which costs money...which is in short supply since our CPA liquidated our assets and blew town to go feast on Thai schoolboys. [audience laughs] So instead, here are some hilarious clips from my very own life!
(The first blooper has the host [as a kid] and his father watching TV [which is showing a singer].)
Bloopers Host (as a child): Daddy, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry that pretty singer. She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen!
(His father jumps up and begins start whipping him with his belt in objection.)
Bloopers Host (as a child): No, Daddy, no!
Bloopers Host's Father: Her first name is Boy, dill-weed! [his son runs into the kitchen] You come back here! This is homo kryptonite, son! [snap back to the present host]
Bloopers Host: You might say my balls were scared straight. [audience laughs again] This next clip really made me the butt of the joke: [points to his behind as he says this]
(The Bloopers Host is seen at a small bar in Mexico, eating a burrito.)
Bloopers Host: Whoo-hee! This burrito is spicy! [chugs down a glass of water] Nothing beats Mexican tap water. [stomach starts to groan, making him hold it in pain] That was probably a mistake...
(We cut to the host defecating on a toilet in a restroom, looking more and more stressed as he does. As we move by many shots of him, they get faster and faster until his diarrhea can no longer fit in the toilet and bursts out, leaving it splattered across the room and the toilet in pieces. Afterwards, we go back to the host during the present.)
Bloopers Host: My asshole is still fifty percent scar tissue! [spins around, making the audience laugh some more] Between Montezuma's revenge and Boy George, it was gonna happen one way, or another.
(The next clip is of the host and a friend of his at a party, where a fat girl balances a plate of food on her chest.)
Friend: Aw, come on, man, you've gotta cash in that V card sometime! You're the only virgin I know, bro.
Bloopers Host: Mmm, yeah, but she's so...
Friend: Dude, it's starter pussy! You'll work your way up the food chain; I promise.
(We snap to the host in bed with the fat girl, indicating that they have just had sex.)
Bloopers Host: [groans] Geez, sorry. It was my first time.
Fat Girl: Yeah, you said that. I've got an early class, so...
[The Bloopers Host holds up a wrapped condom]
Bloopers Host: Probably too late to put this on, huh?
Fat Girl: [panicked and angry] You didn't put-?! Oh, my God!
(We flip to sometime later, where the host opens the door to talk with the girl.)
Fat Girl: And I'm pregnant.
Bloopers Host: [confused] How can you tell? [cut back to the present host]
Bloopers Host: Well, that's all the time I have...yep, for your good buddy the the Bloopers Host, you might say, "time is up." [takes out two swords] For my next trick, I'll need an assistant. Please welcome my pregnant thirteen year old daughter, Stephanie. That's right! I was such a good parent, God is bumping me to grandparent status way ahead of schedule!
Stephanie: [frustrated, grabbing one sword] Dad, my ankles hurt! Please drive me home.
Bloopers Host: Just as soon as Daddy commits Hara-Kiri, honey. Now when I disembowel myself, you cut my head off with the katana!
Stephanie: [sighs] I'll be in the car. [audience laughs, insulting the host]
Bloopers Host: Stop mocking me.
(From his point of view, there is no audience on the seats, but we can hear louder laughs, making the host almost cry.)
Bloopers Host: Stop mocking me! [is about to stab himself when Stephanie calls off-screen]
Stephanie: Dad!
Bloopers Host: Coming!
(He drops the sword and walks out of the studio with defeated look on his face. Lastly, we cut to Stephanie all alone with the caption: "Stephanie Miscarried" underneath her; then the same German biplane from the sketch "Ren McCormack" flies by and riddles the still frame of her mid-section with bullet holes that spell out: "THE END", concluding the episode.)