Velma: Why could a contractor need glow-in-the dark paint? I wonder if this has to do with the glowing ghost. *sigh* I put my parents a hundred thousand dollars in debt for that criminal science degree. I need to rethink my life.
Shaggy: Zoinks!
Velma: *gasp* Shaggy!
(Velma trips over a toolbox)
Velma: Oh, My glasses.
(Velma falls backwards off the bulding)
Velma: Aah! Jinkies!
Shaggy: G-g-g-glowing ghost!
(Velma lands backfirst on a pole, bleeding from her face)
Fred: Velma!
Daphne: Oh my god!
Glowing Ghost: Oh! Oh! I just puked right in my fucking mask!
Fred: Velma faces twelve to eighteen months of physical therapy with no insurance. While she's on that fun journey, we need someone to fill her role.
Shaggy: Like, dude. Me and Scoob already put an ad on Craigslist.
Scooby-Doo: Yeah! Craigslist!
Shaggy: *laugh* Like here she is now.
(Lisbeth Salander encounters the group on her motorcycle)
Lisbeth Salander: I am Lisbeth Salander.
Fred: I know we need a team nerd, but do they always have to be such boner killers?
(The gang is seen in the Mystery van with Lisbeth Salander)
Daphne: Hey Lisbeth. I really like your, um? (thinks to herself in her mind: Hair, eyebrows, make-up, piercings, tattoos, outfit, hygene, manners, smile, accent) Hey Fred, turn up the radio!
Fred: The owner of this amusment park says a ghost is scaring away all his customers. My plan is we split up.
Lisbeth Salander: You are incompetent.
Fred: Huh?
Lisbeth Salander: The owner of this park is bankrupt. These are his financial records.
Fred: Don't implicate me in whatever you're doing.
Daphne: Lots of honest people file chapter 11, Lisbeth
Lisbeth Salander: Here are his personal emails. He has fifty thousand dollars in gambling debt.
Fred: Well, gambling is a deplorable vice.
Lisbeth Salander: Here are receipts for a ghost costume, a one way ticket to Brazil, and twelve drums of acetone, the most common arson accelerant. He is planning to burn the park for the insurance money, blame it on a ghost, and flee the country.
(Everyone looks at her computer then on her, stunned)
Fred: I say we split up.
(The Amusement Park Owner appears from behind the gang)
Amusment Park Owner: Ooohhh!
Fred: Look out!
Shaggy: Zoinks!
Scooby-Doo: Ruh-roh!
Lisbeth Salander: That is Philip W. Anderson, the president and CEO of this-
Shaggy: Like, run!
(The gang runs from the amusment park owner. Daphne pulls Lisbeth along with them)
(Cut to Daphne and Lisbeth Salander standing face to face)
Lisbeth Salander: You wear too much purple.
Daphne: I know. It matches my eyes.
Lisbeth Salander: The only humans with naturally purple eyes are albinos.
Daphne: Fine, they're contacts. God! You think you know everything, huh? You think you're so cool. You know, you're not the only one with a badass tattoo.
(Daphne lifts up her shirt to reveal a tattoo of Fred on her lower back)
Lisbeth Salander: I think a tumbleweed just blew through my vagina.
Daphne: I know! It sucks! Fred sucks! I have the worst boyfriend in the world!
Lisbeth Salander: Maybe you could try handcuffing him to your bed.
Daphne: Oh, I guess that could spice things up.
Lisbeth Salander: Yes! And then sodomize him with a stainless-steel revenge dildo!
(Lisbeth and Daphne begin to tongue kiss)
Fred: Oh. So that's how these girls play.
(Fred unzips his pants and starts to masturbate)
Fred: Ohhh.
(Cut to Shaggy and Scooby walking around the camp)
Shaggy: This whole park smells like sex all of a sudden, and I get stuck with a four-legged tang repellant.
Scooby-Doo: Tang repellant? Maybe it's the soul patch.
Shaggy: Did you just diss the soul patch?
(Two claws picks up Shaggy and Scooby by the throat)
Scooby-Doo: It's the ghost!
Shaggy: Like zoinks!
Amusement Park Owner: Hoohoohoo! Ooh!
(Amusement Park Owner raises them with a button remote, trying to hang them)
(Lisbeth Salander hits the Amusement Park Owner in the head with a sledgehammer)
(Fred picks up his wallet)
Fred: Look! It was the amusement park owner after all. (Runs off to Shaggy and Scooby)
Lisbeth Salander: Imbecile.
(Fred and Daphne releases Shaggy and Scooby from the claws)
Daphne: We actually solved the mystery without Velma.
Shaggy: And without a tacked-on car chase and explosion, unlike "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"
(Stieg Larsson's ghost appears behind Lisbeth Salander)
Stieg Larsson: Ohhhhh! Thanks for the critique, guys!
Group: Stieg Larsson?! Author of "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"?!
Stieg Larsson: Maybe I would've done a second draft if I hadn't died of a fucking heart attack!
Amusement Park Owner: *pain inhale*
Shaggy: Hey old dude! Did you lose a contact lens?
Amusement Park Owner: I just took a hammer to the skull! I think my fucking retina flew off!
(The group laughs)
Scooby-Doo: Scooby Dooby Doo!