News Reporter: [while two paramedics carry a flattened Raggedy Ann out of a cleaners' store and onto a stretcher] Tragedy struck today as beloved children's icon Raggedy Ann committed suicide by steam press. Viewers will remember that her longtime companion, Raggedy Andy, died in the late '80s [shows a dead Andy with several quilt patches], and is now a permanent part of the AIDS quilt.
(Michael Moore is watching this in his van.)
Michael Moore: All too common. While boys hang on to action figures forever, girls dump their old playthings with a cruel lack of compassion. But enough about my personal life; what happens to girl's toys when they're no longer loved?
(A picture of Jem appears on the screen.)
Michael: Jem was on top of the rock-and-roll world in the '80s, but when she fell, she fell hard; some say right into a cheesecake.
(Jem's truck rolls in, and the door opens to show a cigarette-smoking fat Jem. We then snap to her playing her guitar awfully to four kids at a birthday party.)
Jem: [singing to "Wheels on the Bus"] The wheels on the bus go crack, crack, crack;
Open and shut, beep, beep, beep.
The driver on the bus goes swish, swish, overcrack;
Bus, beep-beep...That's how it goes!
Girl: [standing up, upset] No, they don't! You're ruining my party!
Jem: [after a short pause, sings again] Little super bitch better shut the fuck up...
(We cut to Jem back near her truck.)
Jem: You want to know what's truly, truly outrageous? Chlamydia.
(The girl's father shows up and hands Jem money.)
Girl's Father: Forty dollars, right? You know, this is really embarrassing, but in the eighties, I used to masturbate to you all the time.
Jem: [walks next to him] Yeah, you were just a boy then, but now you're a man, right?
Girl's Father: Well, yes...a married man.
Jem: So is it an open marriage, or...(coughs violently for a few moments)...So is it an open marriage?
(The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles briefly show up on the screen.)
Michael: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...
(A fifth turtle, Venus, is seen beating up a bunch of ninjas next to a dumpster.)
Michael: ...briefly added a fifth member with a very special accessory: a vagina. But after being dumped from the team...
(Venus' head is stuck in a toilet, and two policemen and Michael are examining her corpse.)
Michael: ...Venus chose to end her life the way all discarded turtles meet their maker.
Policeman 1: Seen it a million times. Tried to flush herself down the toilet.
Policeman 2: Ironically, when she died, she crapped herself.
Policeman 1: Is that ironic, or just funny?
(After this, a picture of Strawberry Shortcake being stalked by the Purple Pieman briefly appears.)
Michael: Strawberry Shortcake was bullied for years by the evil Purple Pieman.
(We fade to Michael with Strawberry at the Pieman's house.)
Michael: Now for the first time, she'll get to confront her former tormentor.
(Strawberry rings the doorbell, and the now-old Pieman, wearing sunglasses and using a walker, comes out.)
Purple Pieman: Eh? Who's there? I am blind now, the diabetes-a sorta that. Eh... [does a little jig] Cha-cha-cha-cha! Still-a got the moves! [snickers]
Michael: And so, Strawberry Shortcake has been denied the confrontation she so craved...
Strawberry Shortcake: Oh, no! Bullcrap!
(Strawberry kicks the Pieman's walker, pulls him down, and beats him on his back and face repeatedly. They are both screaming.)
Strawberry: Take my berries now, bitch!
(Strawberry clutches his chin, snaps his neck, shrieks a battle cry, and laughs maniacally. Michael motions to the camera to cut, and is later seen talking to Strawberry through glass at a visiting center in prison)
Strawberry: I told that motherfucker I'd bury him, and that's not some fruit-related speech impediment. B-U-R-Y: Bury, like in the fucking ground.
(The next girls' toy picture is of Rainbow Brite and some Rainbow Land Sprites in front of her.)
Michael: Rainbow Brite was a huge hit with girls, and boys who wanted to be girls.
(Michael is interviewing Rainbow in a comfy living room.)
Michael: So, Rainbow, what have you been doing?
Rainbow: Well, after I retired as ruler of Rainbow Land, I continued to seek out all the pretty colors of the world! I dated a black guy, a Korean guy, a black guy, a Puerto Rican guy, a black guy, some Indian guys [dot and feathered], a black guy, a black guy...ooh, another black guy! Daddy was so pissed!
(We snap to Sailor Moon as she transforms.)
Michael: And how does Sailor Moon make a living these days?
Sailor Moon: I sell my used panties to old men online!
(She winks, and we cut to Michael standing next to a horrifically disfigured bald man.)
Michael: It's a tragedy when a beloved icon is discarded on purpose.
Cabbage Patch Man: We Cabbage Patch People were abandoned as soon as we grew out of our cute baby stage. Adoption, my asshole!
(We cut to a Cabbage Patch Woman as a prostitute being paid.)
Michael: With nobody to care for them, the Cabbage Patch community fell on hard times.
(A Cabbage Patch guy is getting a tattoo on his rear that says 'Can Suck It' under the trademarked name 'Xavier Roberts.'After this, we snap to Chatty Cathy sitting on a chair with the words: "Chatty Cathy, the Talking Doll" next to her.)
Michael: Perhaps the greatest tragedy of all befell Chatty Cathy.
(Michael is walking alongside Cathy while interviewing her.)
Michael: After witnessing a mob crime, the mafia tried to make sure she couldn't talk.
Cathy: [in a low slurred tone] They cut out my tongue, but I was not be intimidated. I testified anyway.
Michael: Aw, good for you!
Cathy: I wish I was dead.
(We cut back to inside Michael's van.)
Michael: Let's never again forget that those girls' toys of yesteryear should be treated with the dignity and respect that they deserve.
Cathy: [gags offscreen] Am I done yet?
Michael: [looking down] You'll know, Chatty Cathy. You'll know.
(As he looks down, the ending credits start.)