[Ext.: the Disney Castle]
- Snow White: Welcome to the Princess Summit, [cut to inside] where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
- Rapunzel: Hairstyles.
- Cinderella: Talking pets.
- Tiana: Hairstyles for our talking pets.
- Ariel: Crabs. [Everyone looks at her in disgust] I've got crabs.
- Snow White: Well, isn't that just, um... and where is our newest princess?
- [Merida enters carrying a dead boar dripping with blood]
- Merida: Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
- Aurora: [sarcastic] Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
- Merida: [laying boar on the table and gutting it] 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory.
- Snow White: Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
- Merida: Not a damn song.
- Snow White: [singing] Here's a list of things to drop
- Your accent, bow, that tangled mop
- Fifteen pounds from off your hips
- Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
- And no prince will want to mingle
- [as Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records] With a girl with no hit single
- Cinderella: And your pet's hair is a disaster.
- Merida: That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! [Holds the knife to Snow White's neck] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war.
- [Leaves, followed by...]
- Mulan: Someone finally said it! See you on the killing field, round-eyes.
- Belle: Amen, sister.
- Tiana: Stuck-up bitches!
- [Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on]
[we transition to the next scene, where Snow White is preparing her army for war against Merida's army]
- Snow White: Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. [Out the window] Send in my war counsel. [a cute Disney-esque bird flies up to the windowsill] What shall I do, little one?
- Blue bird: [chirping with subtitles] Core that bitch like an apple.
- Snow White: Oh my.
- Blue bird: Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
- Snow White: Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
- Cinderella: I've got a guy.
- [The Fairy Godmother appears]
- Snow White: Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
- Fairy Godmother: [laying bag of assault weapons on table] Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo, that's twenty grand.
- Princesses: Ooh, wow!
- Ariel: Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
- Jasmine: Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. [Ariel runs away crying] Anyone else have cold tits?
[Ext. Merida's training grounds]
- Merida: All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
- [Rapunzel whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering, then strangling it]
- Rapunzel: I finally found the perfect conditioner—[pops the dummy's head off] blood!
- [We see arrows miss a target; these arrows are being shot by Louis]
- Louis: Oh, curse these stubby arms.
- Merida: You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
- [Louis turns to Mushu, who is standing beside him]
- Mushu: Oh, wait! Don't...!
- [Louis eats Mushu]
- Louis: Oh! I'm so sorry!
- Mulan: No, no, it was...it was a good kill.
- [cut to Snow White's army, ready for their coming battle]
- Snow White: Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
- Aurora: [yawning] Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I might have to sit this one out, guys.
- Snow White: Don't you pull that shit now!
- Aurora: Just teasing.
- [An arrow fired by an offscreen Merida strikes Aurora in the throat, killing her instantly]
- Merida: [with her army at the top of a hill] Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
- [The armies charge at each other]
- Jasmine: I will show you a world of death!
- [They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has brought an atomic bomb]
- Ariel: Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
- Cinderella: Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
- [The bomb starts beeping, indicating its imminent detonation]
- Princesses: Aah! Run away! Run away!
- [Sebastian pops up from behind the bomb]
- Sebastian: [singing] Bend over and grab your ankles!
- [The bomb explodes, completely obscuring the scene with smoke and ash, until it dissipates, revealing that the explosion has eradicated almost everything, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland]
- [a wounded Merida trudges by]
- Merida: Me mother's a bear.
- [Tinkerbell arrives, then shoots her in the head with a gun, winks, and leaves]