Love a Lot Bear: Our Care Bear franchise is on the brink of collapse. corrupted by impure creatures that leech off our sunshine land. I'm talking, of course, about the Care Bear Cousins.
Bedtime Bear: Care Bear Cousins suck!
Love a Lot Bear: I may be Love a Lot Bear, but I can hate a lot too. (points to something off screen) We can no longer ignore the elephant in the room.
Lotsa Heart Elephant: (confused) Did I uh... miss something?
Love a Lot Bear: We must send them all to the Great Cloudkeeper in the sky! Bedtime Bear.
Bedtime Bear: Y'all know what time it is? It's bedtime! And by bed, I mean ethnic, and by time, I mean cleansing.
(Does the Care Bear Stare at Lotsa Heart Elephant, decapitating him.)
Other Care Bears: Care-A-Lot! Care-A-Lot! Care-A-Lot!
Don Cheadle: Stop!
Love a Lot Bear: Wow! Famous character actor Don Cheadle!
Don Cheadle: You don't have to do this. I've built a hotel where the cousins can be safe. (Zooms over to the hotel.)
Love a Lot Bear: Yeah, we can keep the corpses in there!
(Care Bears run off past Cheadle and Bashful Heart Bear.)
Don Cheadle: No. That's not... what I meant.
Bashful Heart Bear: I loved you in Swordfish, Mr. Cheadle. Can I have your autograph? (Pulls out a piece of paper and pencil.)
Don Cheadle: Ahhh... Okay. (Takes the paper and pencil.)
(Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins gather outside the hotel.)
Laugh a Lot Bear: I'm Lots of Laughs Bear, and I've gathered you all here for a special, happy celebration! (Starts laughing insanely.)
(Focuses on Care Bear Cousins)
(Bright Heart Raccoon speaks to Brave Heart Lion.)
Bright Heart Raccoon: If it's a special happy celebration, then why am I crapping a load in my drawers?
(Laugh a Lot Bear unveils a cannon which she fires at the cousins, killing them all and destroying part of the front hotel.)
Love a Lot Bear: We did it! We killed all the Care Bear Cousins!
All the Care Bears: Hooray for murder!!
Love a Lot Bear: Now let us celebrate our genocide. Get your party on!
(Care Bears celebrate while Cheer passes out rainbows.)
Cheer Bear: (Holding a tray of rainbow) Woo! Everyone eat some rainbow!
Grams Bear: Mmm. That's good rainbow.
(Sky begins to turn dark and cloudy with a flash of lightning which makes the Care Bears look in shock).
Unknown Care Bear: Jesus fucking Christ! (Focuses on Cloudkeeper) It's the Great Cloudkeeper in the sky!
The Great Cloudkeeper: Care Bears! I have watched your actions with great displeasure.
Love a Lot Bear: But we've purified the land of Care-A-Lot.
The Great Cloudkeeper: For your dark and terrible deeds, I shall turn Care-A-Lot into a dark and terrible place. A Hell on Earth! I shall turn Care-A-Lot into... New Jersey.
(Lightning rains down as the Care Bears run frantically in fear. Then the scene cuts to New Jersey Governor John Corzine, at a desk with a TV displaying the event.)
John Corzine: Hello, I'm New Jersey's Governor, John Corzine. I hope you've enjoyed this re-enactment of our state's proud history, (Picks up a rainbow) the Garden State. (Takes a bite of the rainbow) Come get in on some of this rainbow!