{The Living Lohan Title card is shown}

Announcer: And now back to Living Lohan.

Dina Lohan: Ali, who drank all the (fucking) orange juice?

Ali Lohan: I don't know mom, maybe the (fucking) Orange Juice Fairy did it!

Dina: Don't get smart with me!

Ali: Well, don't you be a big ranting bitch face!


Dina: Augh! Why are all these cameras always invading my privacy?

{Gyro-Robo is playing next to a sprinkler in his yard with a broom}

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Sorry, Cobra Commander, but your Weather Dominator, currently stuck on rain, apparently, is no match for the ninja skills of Snake Eyes! {Ali peers over the fence looking at Gyro-Robo} Oops, supposed to be me.

Ali: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What are you doing?

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: That is no concern of yours, civilian! Identify yourself at once! Preferably with a capable, shapeable file card.

Ali: I'm Ali Lohan. Duh! My mom and I just moved into this crappy neighborhood to shoot our TV show, called Living Lohan.

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Aren't you a little young to be smoking?

Ali: Aren't you a little fat to be fat? Knock-knock. Who's there? You love food! {Ali jumps off the fence}

Daniel's Mother: Honey, were you talking to the new neighbor? I think their dog's been pooping in our yard.

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: What? Awww, poop!

{Goes to Lindsay's kitchen}

Lindsay Lohan: Go to hell, mom! I told you! I'm not gonna be on your show! It's demeaning to my career. {makes "cut" sign to camera man} I'm gonna try that again with 10 percent more conviction. Or possibly, 1000 PERCENT!!! {doorbell rings} Who in god's green Smurf are you?

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Madame, does it look like my name is Tripwire? Because as I am not the GI Joe minesweeper, I would appreciate it if your dog didn't leave chocolate land mines all over my yard!

Lindsay: Okay, nothing you said made any sense!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Don't let your dog go poopie!

Lindsay: Oh, OH!! {Flashback to one nighttime} Ha, ha, ha, ha! Dah, dah, dah, dum, dum! Ha, night dump! I'm just fermalizing the lawn, aah! {back to present} Bad dog! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

{At Daniel/Gyro-Robo's front lawn}

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Firebolt! Firebolt!

Terrence: Freezearrow! FreezeArrow!

Nerd: Ork, ork, ork! I'm an ork!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Terrence, I gotta say, I'm not buying this at all, so...

Lindsay: Beep, Beep! Honk, honk! I'm Herbie! {hits Daniel/Gyro-Robo and Terrence}

Terrence: Hey!

Lindsay: Loud horn! (Fuck) You! Good job, Herbie!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Excuse me! This is a parallel universe, where savagery meets sorcery! There is no Herbie.

Lindsay: Herbie is magic, idiot! {kicks nerd down} Beep beep!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Stop it!

Lindsay: Aughh! Why are you always following me? {Cues cameraman to come closer, whispers} Follow me.

Munson: ...and in this corner, it's Munson! {steps on Terrence}

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Get out of here, Munson!

Munson: {Knocks Gyro-Robo down, then slaps him} Munson one, gay crap zero!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Stop it, Munson! Oh, how I hate you!

Lindsay: Beep, beep!. {Looks at Munson} Oooh, a bad boy!

Munson: Oh, a damaged chick with daddy issues. {slaps Gyro-Robo} Hey baby, I got a silo...

Lindsay: I don't know what that is, but I hope it means penis!

{Daniel is watching Living Lohan on TV}

Lindsay: Too bad, mom. I love him, and I'm pregnant!! (the camera zooms out, revealing that Lindsay has a pregnant stomach)

Dina: Well, so am I! (The camera turns to Dina, who also has a baby bump.)

Lindsay: Well, your baby's gonna have cobwebs, cause you're all old, and your notaries are all bunched up and dusty!!

Dina: (Fuck) You!

(Cuts to Ali, who enters the room, smoking a cigarette. She also has a baby bump.)

Ali: Why didn't anyone pick me up after my (fucking) ultrasound?!

Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Ah, looks like I'm moving again.


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