Breckin Meyer: Hi! I'm Breckin Meyer. You might remember me. You know what this is? This is $12,000. Now what would you do with– You know what? Before you answer that, let me tell you what our co-head writer Doug Goldstein did with $12,000: he bought a timeshare! True story, and no, no this isn't 1978 and Doug isn't a 63 year old retiree from Boca. Check this out!
Announcer: Top Ten Things Doug Could Have Done With The $12,000 He Blew On His Timeshare.
Title card: Eat 2,400 Footlong Sandwiches.
Doug Goldstein: You still look fat. Heyo!
Title card: Feed 37.5 Kids For a Whole Year.
Doug: Hey, it flies or nickels. Am I right?
Title card: Buy Four $3,000 Vinyl-Caped Jawa Figures Still in Box.
Doug: Their capes are vinyl!
Title card: Put a Dollar in 12,000 G-Strings.
Doug: What? I ran out of chicks.
Title card: Buy One Tank of Gas.
Doug: Am I right? It's outrageous lately!
Title card: Buy 2,400 Handjobs From Your Mom.
"Your Mom": Handjobs $5. Get your handjobs $5.
Doug: That's your mom.
Title card: Take 1043.47 Friends to See a Matinee at the ArcLight Cinemas in Hollywood, California.
Doug: Hey! Shut the fuck up!
Title card: Go to 1044.47 Matinees at the ArcLight Cinemas in Hollywood, California Alone.
Doug: Hannah Montana's only friend I need.
Title card: Pay a "Pretty Woman" to Spend Four Weeks With Him.
Vivian Ward: Ow! What the fuck, man?
Doug: The necklace costs a blumpkin. Now, say you're a whore.
Vivian: I am a whore!
Doug: Heh heh heh. Yeah you are.
Title card: Burn it All in a Bum's Oil Drum
Doug: You know, I was raised Jewish, so this really hurts me.
Static transition to the next sketch.