Transcription:The Nerd on the CW

(The Nerd is sitting on his couch watching TV.)

NERD: I wish I was on the CW. That would be so cool. Sooooo cooooool... I might want to see a doctor about potential narcolepsy.

(He falls asleep and is seen dressed in the Arsenal outfit.)

NERD: Wow, the Arsenal costume! I must on Arrow and there's the star of Arrow, the Arrow!

GREEN ARROW: Arsenal, stick to the mission! We need to take out those guards if we're gonna rescue Felicity.

NERD: Cool, so is this Season 1 where you kill every motherfucker with a pulse or Season 2 and 3 where you just give people crippling injuries that will make every day of the rest of their lives a Hell on Earth?

GREEN ARROW: I'm not a killer. I know that now.

NERD: Got it. Injuries, Hell on Earth, etc. Lethal, non-lethal, zing!

(The Nerd shoots a guard through the eye.)

NERD: Oops, I can do this. Zing!

(The Nerd shoots another guard through the eye.)

GREEN ARROW: I SAID NO KILLING!

NERD: Henchman eyes are kill arrow magnets. I got this, zing!

(The Nerd shoots the guard this time through the thigh.)

NERD: YES! Consider him incapacitated.

(The guard's thigh begins to spout blood.)

GUARD: Oh my God! My femoral artery!

NERD: The human body is complicated.

(Green Arrow facepalms and the Nerd finds himself on the set of Beauty & The Beast.)

NERD: Where am I? What, what show am I on? Is this The 100?!

CATHERINE CHANDLER: Vincent, is that you?

NERD: Oh my God, I must be on Beauty & The Beast! (Turning his attention to Catherine) Hello there, Belle.

CATHERINE CHANDLER: Belle? I'm Cat!

NERD: Cat, Belle, all that matters is I love you.

CATHERINE CHANDLER: I love you too! Ever since I first met you--

NERD: And we sang that song with that teapot.

CATHERINE CHANDLER: And you saved me from the murderers that butchered my parents.

NERD: Whoa!

CATHERINE CHANDLER: Oh no, you're changing!

NERD: Yes, the last petal of the magic rose.

CATHERINE CHANDLER: Was that the code name of the DNA super-soldier program in Afghanistan that mutated you?

NERD: This show kinda kicks ass.

CATHERINE CHANDLER: You're turning into that horrible monster again!

NERD: This is gonna be awesome!

(The Nerd looks into a mirror and only finds that his mutation is yellow eyes and sharpened teeth.)

NERD: Well, this seems like a really livable affliction.

CATHERINE CHANDLER: Oh, ravish me you monster!

NERD: (Pulling out iPhone) Siri, remind me to DVR the hell out of Beauty & The Beast.

(The Nerd goes to kiss Catherine but finds himself now in the Flash costume on the set of The Flash.)

NERD: Oh, come on, interrupt us! (Looking around) S.T.A.R. Labs? Oh my gosh, I'm on The Flash! (Seeing his costume) Oh my Gosh, I am The Flash! (Dr. Harrison Wells shows up) Oh my Gosh, it's Ed from Ed!

'HARRISON WELLS: What? No, Barry, it's me, Dr. Harrison Wells. Listen, you need to focus your speed in order to---

CISCO RAMON: Bank robbery at the corner of Perez and Wilkman! It's next to Jimlee Blvd.

NERD: Yes! Nerds unite! (The Nerd begins to run) This is awesome! Wait, where the hell am I going? I've never been to this city before, I think I want the 101 North but that old man says 101 East and 101 West. Is 101 North also 101 West? Why would they do that? (Sees a dead end) Whoa, I did not want the 101 West! (The Nerd runs back to the bank to find everyone dead) The Flash is here to--- Okay, I might be a little late.

CISCO RAMON: Barry, Barry, did you stop the robbery?

NERD: (Nervous laughing) False alarm!

(The Nerd now finds himself on the set of America's Next Top Model)

TYRA BANKS: You're still too fat!

NERD: But all I do is smoke cigarettes and drink chocolate ipecac.

TYRA BANKS: I'm sorry but you are no longer in the running to be American's Next Top Model.

NERD: Just point me to the nearest Arby's. My stomach is like (Imitating growling noises) Hey, I wonder what show I'm gonna be on next? (Ad for Jane the Virgin pops up) Ooh, that sounds sexy!

(The Nerd is now in a doctor's office on the set of Jane the Virgin.)

NERD: Oh my gosh, I'm pregnant!

DOCTOR: You're actually well into your third trimester.

NERD: But I can't be pregnant, I'm a virgin!

DOCTOR: We can fix that.

(Title card reads 10 seconds later and the Nerd is shown shuddering.)

NERD: I still don't know how I got pregnant, I'm a dude!

DOCTOR: (Doing a talk to the hand gesture) Sorry, I don't talk to sluts.

(The Nerd wakes up in his bed to see Cisco, Harrison, Green Arrow and Catherine standing by his bed.)

NERD: Wow! I just had the most amazing dream and you were there, and you, and you!

GREEN ARROW: Yes, we've been standing here for half an hour. This is actually your Make-A-Wish visit.

NERD: What?

(The Nerd turns over to see an IV and a heart rate monitor by his bed.)

NERD: Oh dang it!