Transcription:Jaws: Special Edition

(Cut to Seven Spielberg on a director's chair. He is sitting next to a poster of Jaws.)

STEVEN SPIELBERG: Jaws was a masterpiece of suspense and terror based on how little you saw the shark itself, but that's not the way I wanted it.

(Cut to a woman swimming in the water. Jaws jumps up, does a flip, and eats her whole.)

SPIELBERG: The damn mechanical shark didn't work. As a result I had to realease a movie that was only a quarter done. Now, thanks to computer graphics, I can bring my true vision to life.

(Cut to Quint sitting in front of a black board. Jaws is wearing a wig and glasses in the audience)

QUINT: $10,000 for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.

JAWS: I say we let him go.

(Cut to the beach. People are panicking and running from Jaws, who has a chainsaw)

MAN: Get out of the water!

SPIELBERG: Jaws: The Special Edition features over 100 altered scenes.

(Cut to Chief Brody and Hooper on the Orca)

HOOPER: There he is, Chief! Throw it! Throw it!

(Jaws catches the harpoon and throws it back at them, and hits Chief in the leg.)

SPIELBERG: YOu actually get a feel for the shark's personality.

JAWS: You missed me, you dried-up douchebags!

CHIEF BRODY: Ow, my tibia!

(Cut to Jaws eating both Quint and Hooper at the same time.)

QUINT: Ah, you bastard! Ah, you bastard!

(Cut to Chief with the rifle)

SPIELBERG: Trust me, this is a whole new set of Jaws.

CHIEF: Smile, you son of a bitch.

(Chief fires at Jaws, and Jaws explodes like the Death Star in Star Wars.)

TEXT: JAWS: The Very, Very Extra Special, Special Edition ORDER NOW! No refunds.

ANNOUNCER: Order now! (whispers) No refunds.

(Cut to static)