Transcription:Who's Killing the Muppets?


 * Gonzo: For my next feat, I will walk across hot coals while explaining what the heck I am.


 * Hooded Killer: No! For your next feat, you die! (The Hooded Killer fires a cannon, decapitating Gonzo, and Gonzo's corpse falls on the hot coals. Then the Hooded Killer places a water sack on the scene)

Gonzo's Funeral and Burial Ceremony


 * Kermit: Gonzo died as he lived, and our family will never be whole again. And now, ladies and gentlemen, MASTER STEVE MARTIN, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!


 * Steve Martin: (With a prank arrow hat on his head) The lord is my Shepard, I shall not want. He makes me like..


 * Miss Piggy (interrupting): Oh, are we burying him in the city? (Camilla clucks and jumps on Gonzo's casket as it gets lowered into the ground)


 * Fozzie: You know, the last time a Muppet died was--


 * Steve Martin (interrupting): Excuse me?


 * Fozzie: Don’t you mean, "Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me"?


 * Steve Martin: No, this is a funeral. I’m working. Do I come to where you work and knock the words outta your mouth?!

Later
 * Kermit: Wow, Steve’s working blue, but he’s right. We vowed never to talk about...that night. (Muppets turn to look at Scooter) (scooter waves at them)


 * Fozzie: And then the dad says, "The Aristocrats"! Wocka-wocka!


 * Hooded Killer: (Right up at the door) Hey, Fozzie? Why did the bear turn red?


 * Fozzie: I don’t know, stranger.


 * Hooded Killer: Because he was em-BEAR-rassed!


 * Fozzie: (Sarcasticly claps) wocka-wocka.


 * Hooded Killer: Then how about this?! Because I'm going to' STAB YOU! (Killer stabs Fozzie in the neck and then the back with a knife)


 * Fozzie: What a showstopper. Ooohh! (Falls on stage)


 * Statler: See? I told you the bear was gonna die on stage tonight. (Statler and Waldorf laugh)


 * Fozzie: Hey, guys, can you stop laughing and call me an ambulance?


 * Waldorf: You're an ambulance. (Statler and Waldorf laugh again, and Fozzie is dragged offscreen by the Hooded Killer and murdered. Then a red wagon is rolled out on stage)


 * Kermit: (Penguins roll Fozzie's dead body away) First Gonzo, now Fozzie. Could we be paying the price for what we did to--


 * Miss Piggy: Don’t say that name, Kermy.


 * Kermit: OOOH, Miss Piggy’s telling me what to do. Wow, hey, everybody! Come here! You gotta come see this. Piggy’s telling me what to do! Wow, must be a day that ends in Y! (Scooter walks by carriying a boxful of props) Hey, uh, Scooter?


 * Scooter: Oh! Hey there, boss.


 * Kermit: We need to talk about Skeeter’s death.


 * Scooter: Why, sure. I love talking about my twin sister, if not for that tragic accident...


 * Kermit: You know, I’m gonna stop you right there. I got something I gotta tell you.

Baby Muppets Flashback


 * Baby Kermit: Let’s play The Little Mermaid!


 * Baby Fozzie: Let’s question Kermit’s sexuality. Wocka-wocka!


 * Baby Scooter: Hold on! Let me grab my floaties. (Leaves)


 * Baby Skeeter: What a nerd.


 * Baby Piggy: Ahem. Moi will play "La Petite Mermaid".


 * Baby Skeeter: Mermaids aren’t fat! (Pushes Baby Piggy)


 * Baby Kermit: Yikes! Skeeter, if you only take my advice once in your natural life, take it now. Walk away.(Skeeter smacks Kermit)


 * Baby Fozzie: NANNY! SKEETER'S HITTING US AGAIN!


 * Baby Kermit: Yeah, who's the hobo now? (Skeeter beats up Fozzie, and Skeeter gets hit in the back by Kermit with a red wagon and knocked headfirst into the pool) If we do this thing, it’s our secret forever. (All Muppet Babies agree and drown Skeeter in the pool)

Present
 * All Muppet Babies: NANNY!


 * Scooter: You killed my sister?


 * Kermit: It was 60% self-defense. But we're kind of burying the lead here. We think Skeeter’s come back from the grave for revenge!


 * Scooter: Oh, Skeeter will have her revenge…(Scooter reveals himself to be The killer in disguise)


 * Kermit and Miss Piggy: AAAAHHH!!!


 * Scooter: (Takes out knife, and attacks Kermit) Fifteen seconds till your death!


 * Miss Piggy: HIIII-YAH! (Jumps to kick her, but misses) Wuh!


 * Scooter: Here it comes! Showtime! (Camilla clucks, holding a bow and arrow. Subtitle: "Get away from her, you witch!")


 * Scooter: You can’t shoot me! Chickens don’t even have fingers! (Camilla fires an arrow, stabbing Skeeter in the head) OOHH!! (Falls to the floor with Steve Martin behind her)


 * Steve Martin (chuckling): That bit never gets old. (Dances as funny music starts)