Transcription:Comet's Christmas Miracle

The scene opens with Santa's custom sleigh and his reindeer flying in the sky.

Comet: How's the view back there, buddy? The light at the end of the tunnel is my ass!

The reindeer behind Comet makes disgusted groans. Cut to Santa hearing a cry for help.

Voice: Help me!

Santa: Huh? Put her down, boys.

The sleigh lands and cut to Santa, Comet and his reindeer all gathered at a well and see a little boy is trapped in the well.

Santa: Help is coming, little boy! Are you hurt?

Little Boy: I've been down here three days with no food or water! And I pooped in my pants!

Santa: Three days?! He could die of thirst before we reach him!

Comet: Not on my watch!

Comet starts peeing in the well.

Santa: What are you- Comet! Stop peeing on that child!

Comet: I saw it on Man Vs. Wild. You can drink pee, pee it out and drink it again! Three times if you want!

Little Boy: This rain tastes like oats.

Clock transition. Santa gets off his cell phone.

Santa: The fire department's on its way.

Comet: There's no time!

Santa: Comet, no!

Comet soars in the air and dives into the well.

Santa: Comet?!

Comet: Um, okay. I'm stuck like halfway down. Almost there.

Santa face palms himself. Another clock transition. The fire department and the police arrive.

Fireman: We could throw down a rope and a harness down to the kid except your reindeer's plugging up the hole now.

Comet: Just throw down a grenade!

Santa: What?!

Comet: Throw down one grenade to launch me toward the bottom. Then I'll grab the boy with my teeth. And you can throw down a second grenade to launch me to the surface!

Policeman: Your deer don't know sh*t about grenades, does he?

Santa: He spends most of his life on a frozen tundra. Reindeer don't know sh*t about f*ck, quite frankly.

Fireman: So, listen, thanks to your deer, we're gonna have to excavate half this field.

The two reindeer look at each other and toss a grenade down the well. The grenade explodes and Santa gains consciousness.

Santa: Oh, my God!

The explosion blew up the well and everything around it. The two reindeer that threw down the grenade had their heads blown off and their corpses faint.

Santa: Comet?! Little boy?!

Cut to Comet, Santa and the little boy in a cast and bandages in a hospital room.

Little Boy: Thank you, Comet! You saved me!

Comet: Aw, ain't know thing.

Santa: Well, actually, about 100 volunteers working around the clock with heavy machinery would've suf-

Little Boy: I love you, Mr. Comet!

Comet: I love you too, Mr. Little Boy!

Comet and the little boy hug.

Santa leaves and Comet follows with his legs missing and he's floating in midair.

Santa: That still freaks me out.

Comet: Yeah. It's 100% badass, alright.

Cut to Comet and Santa outside the hospital and Santa gets on Comet's back.

Santa: Take us back to the North Pole! And-and don't say the line.

Comet: Oh, I gotta say the line! Please? Please?!

Santa sighs.

Santa: Fine, fine. Whatever.

Comet: Ahem. Legs? Where we're going, we don't need legs!

Comet soars off and towards the camera.

Comet: Yeah! And away we go!

Sketch Ends.