Transcription:Cobra's PSA

[At the Emmy Awards, a G.I. Joe PSA of Roadblock talking to two children is shown on the big screen.]

Roadblock: I don't know why a 7-year-old would need to deep fry a turkey, but know you know how.

Children: And knowing is half the battle.

[The PSA ends with the "G.I. Joe" jingle.]

Host: And the Emmy for best PSA by a paramilitary organization goes to... G.I. Joe, for "Don't Be a Turkey on Thanksgiving."

[The G.I. Joes clap, and Duke kisses Scarlett before he heads up with Roadblock to collect their award, while COBRA Commander and Destro watch on from the cheap seats.]

COBRA Commander: Look at them, Destro. The Joes churn out pedestrian advice to dead-eyed children, and the public eats it up! (mocking the Joes) "Hey, kids, don't play with fallen electrical lines." Reads like a dispatch from the no-shit clinic.

Destro: I'll get the nerve gas.

COBRA Commander: No, you fool. We'll beat them at their own game. (clenching his fist) We'll create our own PSAs!

[Cut to COBRA Commander, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, and the Crimson Twins in the briefing roomat COBRA Headquarters]

COBRA Commander: OK, OK, let's just throw some ideas out there. This is a safe creative place. Dr. Mindbender, go.

Dr. Mindbender: Well, I thought our PSA could communicate an idea non-verbally. I've discovered that painting directly on celluloid creates a sort of "tone poem".

COBRA Commander: Holy shit, that's sounds terrible. I'm sorry, safe place, but holy shit, that was fucking dumb. Next!

[The Baroness enters the room.]

Baroness: Oh, I forgot you guys were in here writing. I was just looking for a hammer to hang my degree in screenwriting from Aberdeen. Anything I can do for you while I'm in here? (looks at Destro) Destro?

Destro: She's actually really funny, you guys.

COBRA Commander: Hey, you lost me at "She's". Fuck it! We're doing it without a script.

''[Cut to the set of COBRA's PSAs, as Destro supervises, Storm Shadow is having his makeup done by one COBRA soldier, and two more soldiers move a camera. Dr. Mindbender enters the set with a group of children.]''

Destro: Dr. Mindbender, you found four young children for our PSAs.

Dr. Mindbender: Uh, yes. (puts his arms around the children) That is what these kidnapped children are for.

COBRA Commander: (talking to Storm Shadow, who is reading his lines) OK, Storm Shadow, these two children will be running with scissors. Now, this upsets you, and you...

Storm Shadow: Why?

COBRA Commander: It's dangerous to run with scissors.

Storm Shadow: I run with Katana. Is that not dangerous?

COBRA Commander: (sarcastically) Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point, Storm Shadow. (whispers to one of the Crimson Twins) Get this piece of shit off my set!

[One of the children runs past, giggling while running with scissors, but ends up getting killed by Storm Shadow.]

Storm Shadow: Well, COBRA Commander, it looks like I owe you an apology.

[First COBRA PSA: Serpentor telling children about using supplies only at the post office.]

Serpentor: So, remember, only take supplies if you'll use them for post-office business. Any other use is a felony.

Boy: Now I'm aware.

Serpentor: (putting his arms around the children and smiling) And awareness is the second 50% of the conflict in question.

[A beat.]

Serpentor: Somebody say fucking "Cut"!

[First COBRA PSA: COBRA Commander tells children about the joys of reading.]

COBRA Commander: And I think you'll find it's not hard to read when you take the time to sssssssssound it out.

[Both children giggle.]

COBRA Commander: Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall ssspeech impediment.

[Both children laugh.]

COBRA Commander: (irate) It'sss not funny! (removes his mask, as the children scream and run away, only for the Commander to shoot them dead) Shut. It. Down.

[At the next Emmy Awards...]

Host: And the Emmy for best PSA by a paramilitary organization goes to... G.I. Joe, for "Don't Star in a COBRA PSA."

COBRA Commander: (shaking his fist) What?

Destro: (shouting over to the troops) Pump the nerve gas!