Joel Hurwitz Returns

[Ext.: a Disney Castle]
 * Snow White: Welcome to the Princess Summit, [cut to inside] where we address the complex political issues facing our kingdoms.
 * Rapunzel: Hairstyles.
 * Cinderella: Talking pets.
 * Tiana: Hairstyles for our talking pets.
 * Ariel: Crabs. [Everyone looks at her in disgust] I've got crabs.
 * Snow White: Well, isn't that just, um... and where is our newest princess?
 * [Merida enters carrying a dead boar]
 * Merida: Ach! Sorry I'm late. I killed a boar on the way here.
 * Aurora: [sarcastic] Oh, you're so feminist and empowered. Great.
 * Merida: [laying boar on the table and gutting it] 'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarfs are illegally mining me territory.
 * Snow White: Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems. Let me tell you about them.
 * Merida: Not a damn song.
 * Snow White: [singing] Here's a list of things to drop
 * Your accent, bow, that tangled mop
 * Fifteen pounds from off your hips
 * Those ginger afros 'neath your pits
 * And no prince will want to mingle
 * [as Cinderella, Aurora, and Ariel hold up gold records] With a girl with no hit single
 * Cinderella: And your pet's hair is a disaster.
 * Merida: That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! [Holds the knife to Snow White's neck] I came here looking for justice; instead, I found treachery. Prepare yourself for war.
 * [Leaves, followed by...]
 * Mulan: Someone finally said it! See you on the killing fields, round eyes.
 * Belle: Amen, sister.
 * Tiana: Stuck-up bitches!
 * [Rapunzel follows. The remaining princesses look on]

[Later...]
 * Snow White: Oh, that Merida! I'll show her. [Out the window] Send in my war counsel. [Cute Disney birds fly in] What shall I do, little one?
 * Blue bird: [chirping with subtitles] Core that bitch like an apple.
 * Snow White: Oh my.
 * Blue bird: Weave a tapestry of their intestines.
 * Snow White: Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. We need weapons.
 * Cinderella: I've got a guy.
 * [The Fairy Godmother appears]
 * Snow White: Oh, good idea. We'll fight them with magic.
 * Fairy Godmother: [laying bag of assault weapons on table] Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo, that's twenty grand.
 * Princesses: Ooh, wow
 * Ariel: Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs.
 * Jasmine: Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch. [Ariel runs away crying] Anyone else have cold tits?

''[Ext. Practice field]''
 * Merida: All right, ladies. Show me what you've got.
 * [Rapunzel whips the practice dummy with her hair, dismembering, then strangling it]
 * Rapunzel: I finally found the perfect conditioner—[pops the dummy's head off] blood!
 * [Arrows miss a target]
 * Louis: Oh, curse these stubby arms.
 * Merida: You're an alligator. Be an alligator!
 * [Louis turns to...]
 * Mushu: Oh, wait! Don't...!
 * [Louis eats Mushu]
 * Louis: Oh! I'm so sorry!
 * Mulan: No, no, it was...it was a good kill.


 * Snow White: Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for greater good.
 * Aurora: [yawning] Oh dear, I think I'm getting sleepy. I'm gonna have to sit this one out, guys.
 * Snow White: Don't you pull that shit now!
 * Aurora: Just teasing.
 * [An arrow pierces Aurora in the neck]
 * Merida: [with army at top of hill] Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge!
 * [The armies charge at each other]
 * Jasmine: I will show you a world of death!
 * [They meet in the middle, where Ariel, now a mermaid, has a bomb]
 * Ariel: Look, everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob!
 * Cinderella: Oh, you just don't know what words are. That's your thing.
 * [The bomb starts beeping]
 * Snow White: [as all princesses] Run away! Run away!
 * Earl Sinclair: Where did all princesses go?
 * Baby Sinclair: Boo-yah! I'm a baby, gotta love 'em! Welcome to Babytopia!
 * [Baby Sinclair builds up to Babytopia's palace brick, Earl and Baby builds up to airplane]
 * Baby Sinclair: Pucker up Belle....
 * [Baby shoots her in the Belle's head]
 * Baby Sinclair: ....or weave of princesses! Charge!
 * [Ext. night airplane is flying, cut to inside, music to "Spider Man Theme Song"]
 * Baby Sinclair: [singing] Spider man, spider man
 * The teasure map is someday season
 * The princesses inside to airplane
 * Crab to inside to.... [music to "It's Our House Now"]
 * It's our house now, bring to movie
 * Earl Sinclair: [singing] It's our house now, get your own movie
 * Merida: [singing] What are place or weave you own, nacho put down is
 * Use our heads, it's our airplanes
 * Baby Sinclair: [singing] It's airplane now, what the hell?
 * Merida: [singing] Belle, Cinderella and Aurora is, inside to airplane now is place
 * Baby Sinclair: [singing] Daddy look out!
 * Earl Sinclair: [singing] This is terrible!
 * Baby Sinclair: [singing] We gonna die!
 * Merida: [singing] Be seeing ya', Louis!
 * Princesses: [singing] Keep our house now!
 * Merida: Be seeing ya!
 * Princesses: [singing] Keep our house now!
 * Sebastian: [singing] I'm FREEEEEE! Bend over and grab your ankles!
 * Be seeing ya', my princesses somewhere!
 * Freeze freedoom, if I can't love her!
 * [The bomb explodes]
 * [Ext. barren wasteland]
 * Mushu: I'm dragon is try.
 * [Tinkerbell shoots her in the Mushu, winks, and leaves]