Transcription:G.I. Joe's Fight for the Weather

Narrator: Experience military combat like never before! This is Inside The Battlefield: The Weather Dominator.

(As the narrator talks, two clips of a grandma in a tank and Nazi soldiers marching are shown before cutting to the title.)

Narrator: September 10, 1984. Mother Nature was on the rag!

(Clips of a pair of surfers freezing as it snows at a beach, a school being plowed down by a tornado and people being chased down by bolts of lightning are played as the narrator speaks.)

Narrator: But was really it her time of the month?

(Cut to a recording of Cobra Commander on a big screen on a building. As he speaks, words under him read, "Alert! Cobra in possession of Weather Dominator. Terror risk elevated. Weather forecast calls for pain.")

Cobra Commander: Bow before Cobra and my Weather Dominator! Or I'll crank up the humidity so high, no ass crack will ever be dry again! An eternity of swamp ass! (Laughs wickedly)

Man: My god! That could send oil prices sky rocketing!

Man 2: Can you imagine gasoline over a dollar a gallon?

(As the narrator speaks the next line, Snake Eyes, Shipwreck, Snow Job, and Duke leap over a barrier and salute before marching off.)

Narrator: G.I. Joe, the nation's elite anti-terrorist task force with the least oppressive dress code leapt into action.

(The next scene cuts to Duke and Snake Eyes fighting in the TV show, Gladiators, while Cobra soldiers cheer in the audience.)

Narrator: Almost immediately, two top Joes were captured and forced to duel in the Cobra sportitorium in a desperate bid to drive concession sales.

(Duke is sitting in a living room with Snake Eyes)

Duke (Conrad B. Hauser, First Commander): (laughs) That was crazy! Imagine if the Nazis had captured Eisenhower and put the War on pause so they could watch him fight a mute did in a ninja outfit! No offense, Snake Eyes. (Snake Eyes uses an Etch-A-Sketch) Oh, great, the Etch-A-Sketch.

Snake Eyes (Commando): None taken.

Duke: I can't even read that.

(The next image cuts to the globe with three rings: red, blue and white in the center. The rings scatter and place themselves in the North Pole, Korea and Egypt. The narrator speaks over this.)

Narrator: Much like Britney Spears' fragile psyche, the Weather Dominator was split into three fragments and scattered around the earth.

(Cut to Destro at a desk)

Destro (Enemy weapons supplier): Which was kind of a shocker. The complexity of a Weather Dominator; you think more than three pieces, but no.

Interviewer (OS): Destro, how did that make you feel?

Destro: Like this. (Draws angry eyebrows on his mask)

(Cut to the globe, focusing on the white ring over Korea)

Narrator: Thus was launched a three-way fronted battle, engaged first on the Island Of No Return. Today a Sandals resort.

(Cut to a black and white image of a young man in uniform in front of a house before it fades to him waving goodbye to his parents as he leaves on a bus. A voice narrates)

Leonard Baker (Explosions expert): I signed up to travel the world, pay for college, shoot lasers at guys in masks, which had always a dream of mine. (the scene cuts to an older Leonard on a farm, his hands had been replaced with hooks) And then I heard we were going to the Island Of No Return. I mean, who the fuck sends a nineteen-year-old kid to -?! (He smokes a cigarette and scratches his head, his voice breaks) I mean, fuck, man!

(Cut to US Armed Forces Footage of G.I. Joe vehicles attempting to drive over a hill only to explode)

Narrator: Some attempting to return from the Island Of No Return would find returning difficult.

(Cut to a clip of a hand writing a letter. A faded clip of a battle going on is also played.)

Writer: "My dearest Clara, this is our fourth day on the Island Of No Return. We have been circling around, (A woman's voice begins to read the letter) looking for an ion correlator to stop Cobra from compiling their Weather Dominator."

(Cut to a house where an old woman is reading the letter)

Clara Palmer (Widow): "Food is scarce and moral is low. Blam." (she chokes a sob) I never understood that last part.

Narrator: That last part was Morray getting shot.

Clara: Oh, that makes more sense now! (She breaks down sobbing.) Oh, Morray!

(The next scene is a glob tracking the next piece before stopping on the red ring in Egypt)

Narrator: Next, the fight for the hydro master fragment erupted in another remote locale: The Palace Of Doom.

(Cut to Gary Zartan sitting on the porch of a house)

Gary Zartan (Master of Disguise): Otherwise known as my mother-in-law's house! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I kid, but seriously, don't marry Jewish!

Woman (OS): Zartan! We're late for Seder!

Zartan: Kill me.

(The next clip shows the blue ring over the North Pole)

Narrator: Meanwhile, the battle for the final fragment led to an impromptu hockey game.

(Cut to a hockey arena with Cobra soldiers and G.I. Joe playing hockey with the final pieces, but with their laser guns in place of hockey sticks)

(Cut to Shipwreck in a living room with his parrot, Polly)

Shipwreck (Hector X. Delgado, Sailor): Ha! That was the most fun I ever had as a Joe!

(Cut to Spirit whacking the fragment with his tomahawk. Destro slides across the ice.)

(Cut to Spirit sitting in a living room)

Spirit (Charlie Iron Knife, Tracker): It was pretty hilarious. We should have been court-martialed!

(Cut to Major Bludd being shoved aside by Flint before cutting to a Cobra soldier in a living room)

Simon Berger (Infantry/Sabotage): Firing lasers at the last piece of the Weather Dominator worth billions of dollars? Whoa, Cobra Commander would have had our nuts for that! And speaking of nuts...

(Cut to Shipwreck)

Shipwreck: So cold, shrinkage on an epic scale!

(Cut to another Cobra soldier)

Jefferson Winslow (Infantry/Sabotage): Oh, ho! My scrotum was like the size of a walnut!

(Cut back to Simon)

Simon: I think my testicles might have actually retracted into my body. It was like reverse puberty!

(Cut to Snow Job in a living room)

Snow Job (Harlan W. Moore, Arctic trooper): I was quite comfortable.

(Cut to a battle at the Cobra stronghold with Flint leading the troops)

Narrator: A last ditch assault on the Cobra stronghold decided the final outcome. G.I. Joe had emphatically planted an American flag in Cobra's ass. Both metaphorically...

(Cut to Snow Job, Spirit, Flint and Shipwreck shoving a United States flag up a Cobra infantryman's anus, recreating the famous Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima World War II photo.)

Narrator: ...and in one unfortunate case, quite literally.

(Unfortunately for the Cobra infantryman, his humiliating moment is immortalized as a statue. Pan to Duke)

Duke: We flew in, beat them like mixed race stepchildren and Cobra Commander went to prison! And he promptly escaped. (He says this like that wasn't the first time that happened.) Woo, boy, the other countries of the world were pissed! They wanted him put to death immediately, but we kind of dragged our heels and by that time, Zartan had busted him out with a wicker basket thing and a remote control snake or something. Ah, good times, good times.

Snake Eyes: (Writes in the Etch-A-Sketch, "We need to talk.")

Duke: Oh, for God's sake, just stop!