Transcription:Gary's Crappy Day


 * Gary Coleman: [sitting at a desk, as the sign "Fast Cash Now" is right above him] Hi, I'm Gary Coleman, and when I need a hundred and fifty dollars fast to get my power turned back on, I use Fast Cash Now!
 * Director: And cut! Great job, Gary.
 * Gary: Thanks. Hey, speaking of cash, when do I get my paycheck for this gig?
 * Director: [walking into shot] Paycheck? Ah sure, here you go. [pulls out Gary's paycheck, and holds it up high. Gary tries to reach it, but can't] Take it, just take it. Just take it Gary, just jump! There you go, just jump! Just get it, go on! C'mon, get it get it get it get it get it! You can get it! [Gary stops trying to grab the paycheck] You can get it.
 * [Later, at a crossroads downtown, Gary, driving a rusty jalopy, is stopped at a red traffic light when Emmanuel Lewis, with his ladies, drives up in a fast blue sports car.]
 * Emmanuel Lewis: Yo Coleman, check out the new ride!
 * Gary: [sighs] Hi Emmanuel.
 * Emmanuel: No no, I go by Manny Moe these days, as in "I don't know how manny moe hot bitches I could possibly fit into my new Porsche, bitch!" [laughs] Later, chump! [the light turns green, and Emmanuel drives off laughing, leaving Gary in the dust]
 * [Gary enters the old nursing home, where Conrad Bain is painting a picture.]
 * Conrad Bain: Oh, Gary my boy, what brings you to the old nursing home?
 * Gary: Hi Conrad. I'm having one hell of a crappy day!
 * Conrad: [putting Gary on his lap] Well, this should cheer you up.
 * [Conrad's painting is of Gary lying down in a field of red roses naked.]
 * Gary: Oh my God!
 * Conrad: Oh that reminds me, I got you a gift. [gives Gary a leprechaun outfit, complete with hat]
 * Gary: A leprechaun outfit?!
 * Conrad: Yeah yeah yeah, try it on. Try it on It's assless!
 * [Gary is back outside, walking down the street. He is really angry. A football field can be seen nearby.]
 * Gary: I can't believe they towed my car! This day just gets worse and worse!
 * [A football player runs up and kicks Gary, sending him flying right over to a spectator stand, killing him. A referee blows his whistle and gives the "touchdown" gesture. Meanwhile, Gary has arrived in heaven, and is wearing his wings.]
 * God: Gary, you haven't yet earned your halo. I'm going to send you back to Earth until you get it right!
 * Gary: What's my first assignment? [disappears]
 * [Back in the old nursing home, Conrad is just sitting there until Gary appears, wearing the leprechaun outfit.]
 * Conrad: Oh, my prayers have been answered! [cracks a whip at Gary] Now, dance! [Gary does a riverdance]