Transcription:Captain Texas is Coming

(The segment begins where President Bush is playing a Pokémon Game)

George W. Bush: Taste Poké-Flame, Chirlaxx! Pew-pew-pew-pew! Heh heh.

Aide: (Walks in to show Bush the CIA's daily threat assessments he's holding) The CIA's daily threat assessment report, sir.

George W. Bush: (Swats the assessments away, groaning) Boring!

Condoleeza Rice: (Punches the worried Aide out of Bush's way, lending him a comic) Your personalized daily comic book, sir.

George W. Bush: (excited to see the president comic) Heh heh, you got my attention now. (laughs, then realizes the cover of USA Presents has Mahmoud's cartoon caricature) Dang it, no time to actually read this thing! Gotta make my snap decision! (Jumps over the presidential desk and changes the presidential clothes into a superhero) Watch your ass, Middle East! Captain Texas is Coming! (shorter pause) For your ass! Yippie-ki-yay! (flies out of the White House, leaving the Aide, confused by saying "What the?")

Condoleeza Rice: Sorry, that information is on the NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS! (Throws the Aide in the fire in the fireplace, burning him, alive)

Aide: AAH!!! I'M BURNING ALIVE!!!

(Cuts to Mahmoud who is laughing viciously by going to destroy the USA, with Hans Binx and his friend, all tied up)

Hans Binx: But you said you were using the nuclear technology to help children!

Mahmoud: Yes, to help children ''DIE! ''All the children in the world! (Laughs viciously, again, going to throw the two children into the furnace)

George W. Bush: (Breaks in Mahmoud's Evil Lair) No way José!

Mahmoud: You can't stop me! (Throws the two children in the furnace)

George W. Bush: Fuck those guys! The UN was wrong in Iraq and they're wrong for our children's future. Now, come get your whippin'!

Mahmoud: (Turning around as he planned it evilly) You cannot stop the missiles! Only I have the code... (George Bush jumps towards him) ...so you must deal with--

George W. Bush: (Picks up Mahmoud to stop the plan) Negotiating with terrorist is for democrats! I'm George W. Bush, and the "W" stands for-- (pauses) Well, here comes your ass-kickin'! (Throws Mahmoud in the furnace, screaming while burning him, completely; Bush flies up to space, getting to stop the missiles) Aw, man, I shouldn't have thrown that little waiter in the fire so quickly! Doggone it. Ah, there's a saying in Texas, "Kill two birds in one bush..." Uh... "Bush in the bushes, worth one in the--" Aw, fuck it. (Swats the missile to blow up the whole Middle East from Earth) One Middle East parking lot, comin' right up! (Grabs another missile towards him, rides like a cowboy, then lets the missile go to blow up China) So long, threat to America's economy, or as you say "Adios"! (Then hits the missile to the sun) YEAH! FUCK YOU, SUN! (Flies around the stars, while the Sun blows up) Ha ha ha! Yeah, I'm the President!

(Cuts back to reality, when Bush excitedly finishes reading the USA comic)

George W. Bush: Heh heh, Yeah! (Jumps over the presidential desk) And that's how I'm gonna fix global warming, too... (picks up the Aide) Captain Texas style!

Aide: Whoa, what are you do-- (Bush throws the Aide in the fire in the fireplace, just like Condoleeza did in his dream) AAH! I'M BURNING ALIVE!

George W. Bush: Here I go! (Rips the clothes off, butt-naked, then launches out of the window) Hee-yaaa- Uh-oh! (Crash-landed into the car off-screen, feeling unconscious, thus ending the segment)