Transcription:The Emperor's Back

The sketch begins with the words at the beginning of each Star Wars film.

A long time ago.... Hey, if it's a long time ago, how do they have lasers.... We don't have lasers. Wait, yes we do. Point Withdrawn....

Fades to black and shows the second Death Star accompanied by dramatic music. The Millennium Falcon and the Rebel fleet are seen approaching the Death Star. Inside the Death Star, Darth Vader is about to throw Emperor Palpatine down a pit.

Emperor Palpatine: What are you doing? What are you doing?! Put me down!

Vader tosses Palpatine down the pit and pauses as he begins falling.

Palpatine (Voice Over): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You ever have one of those moments where you think, "How the hell did I get here?"

Baba O' Riley plays and the camera slowly zooms in on Palpatine.

Palpatine (Voice Over): Geez, what happened to me? I was ruling the galaxy. Had a cherry new battle station. Pans over to Palpatine cutting the red rope with red light scissors to the Death Star with an omelet bar next to it. Vader helps him cut it.

Palpatine (Voice Over): I mean, this place had an omelet bar. A straight up omelet bar!

The ribbon was cut and an Imperial guard claps.

Palpatine (Voice Over): And now look-

Pans over to Vader after tossing Palpatine down the hole.

Palpatine (Voice Over): My former intern's tossing me down a bottomless, freaking pit!

Pan back to Palpatine.

Palpatine (Voice Over): (sighs) You know, come to think of it, my whole life has been a series of "What the f*ck" moments.

Palpatine blinks and faces the camera.

Palpatine: That, uh. That was my out.

Palpatine falls and pans down to the planet of Naboo into a busy district.

Palpatine (Voice Over): I didn't always look like a boiled cow hemorrhoid.

Camera zooms in on a younger Palpatine.

Palpatine (Voice Over): Cast your eyes on that handsome devil right there.

Young Palpatine turns and blinks.

Palpatine (Voice Over): Don't be alarmed if your undies turn into a moist towelette.

Cuts to Palpatine's summer home and Baba O' Riley stops playing.

Male Voice: And that is where we will put the skylight, Mr. Palpatine.

Pan down to young Palpatine and a Rodian contractor.

Palpatine: How exciting! Only 23 and already building my dream home right on the Naboo beach.

Cut to a group of hippies protesting next to a nest of Gungan eggs.

Male Hippie: Hey, man! Stop harshing those Gungan eggs! Gungans are endangered, man!

Video pauses.

Palpatine (Voice Over): Hippies suck ass in every galaxy.

Video starts again and cuts back to Palpatine and Rodian contractor.

Palpatine: What? Gungans aren't endangered! There's like a billion of them! They-they breathe like guppies!

Cut back on hippies.

Male Hippie: Boo! Boo! Boo on you, man!

Male hippie grabs one of the eggs.

Male Hippie: Boo on you, dude!

A construction machine starts and runs over the eggs. The goop from the eggs splatter all over Palpatine and the contractor. Cut to Palpatine at a meeting holding an open laptop in his hand showing a graph.

Palpatine: And that is why we should change the zoning law.

Male senate: And what of the Gungan eggs?

Palpatine: We'll give them to the school hot lunch program!

Palpatine closes the laptop and everyone claps. Pan to Jar Jar Binks.

Jar Jar Binks: He-sa say what now?!

Pan to senate talking to Palpatine.

Senate: Young man, you should consider a career in politics.

Palpatine: Hey, yeah. I should!

Video pauses.

Palpatine (Voice Over): And I did.

Baba O' Riley plays again.

Palpatine (Voice Over): You're welcome, galaxy. Never did thank that guy.

Pans up to see the message "30 years later" Palpatine is watching TV in the dark completely awe struck and in a mess.

TV Announcer: And so, Emperor Palpatine has followed up the bloodiest war in the history of the galaxy by imposing a tyrannical dictatorship and killing all the Jedi!

Palpatine holds a gun to his head.

Palpatine: I've ruined the galaxy.

TV: Wheel of Fortune!

Palpatine: Ooh!

Pans over to Little Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala in Watto's workshop.

Palpatine (Voice Over): See that little cub scout? Anakin Skywalker, baby. Eventually I pick him to rule the galaxy by my side.

Baba O' Riley stops playing.

Anakin: Are you an angel?

Padme: What?

Palpatine (Voice Over): What?

Anakin: The deep space pilots talk about how beautiful angels are.

Padme: No, I'm not an angel.

Pauses for a minute.

Anakin: Are you a fairy?

Padme: Fairies aren't real either.

Pauses for another minute.

Anakin: Are you an elephant?

Padme sighs and leaves. Baba O' Riley plays again.

Palpatine (Voice Over): I'm not going to sugar coat this. Mistakes were made. I-I really should have extended the selection process for, uh...Oh,no. No. Please don't pick your-

Anakin picks his nose and boogers cover his face.

Palpatine (Voice Over): (sighs) Ladies and gentlemen, Darth Vader!

Anakin laughs and pans over to the Geonosian arena. Jango Fett's head has been cut off by Mace Windu and bounces over to young Boba Fett. Boba Fett picks up his dad's severed head and a lady comes over and covers him with a blanket. She takes the head and gives Boba a doll.

Lady: I know you don't believe me now. But, I promise, It's all going to be okay.

Palpatine (Voice Over): Apparently, we're contractually obligated to follow that dumb kid's story, too.

Camera pans down to Gary the Stormtrooper's room.

Palpatine (Voice Over): That's what happens when you sell the most action figures! Thank you, fanboys!

Gary is sleeping in his boxers.

Palpatine (Voice Over): Who's this guy? He's not in my note cards. Is he gonna have a story too?

The alarm rings and Gary groans and uses his left hand to hit the alarm. He then goes back to sleep.

Gary's Wife: Gary! You'll be late for work!

Palpatine (Voice Over): His name's Gary?! I-I'm sorry. I'm confused. Are-are we doing my story or-or-or are we just doing some random, pointless-

Gary farts.

Palpatine (Voice Over): Ah. Welcome to Robot Chicken, apparently.

Cuts to the Star Wars Robot Chicken intro