Transcription:Greatest American Nerd

NERD: Man, I wish I was a superhero. I would rescue girls who would show me their boobs. I would use my x-ray vision to look at boobs! And then...I would...boobs.

(UFO outside)

NERD: Hello! Down here! Alien invaders, I mean you no harm! Parle vous andle...(aliens drop a briefcase) Ow!

(UFO flies away)

NERD: Sweet bouncing Klingons, a super suit!

(on the roof)

NERD: Here I come, bad guys...and boobs! In not necessarily that order.

(jumps off the roof into a wheelbarrow, unconscious)

ALIEN: Hey, kid! We forgot to include the instruction manual! Uh...I'll just, uh, leave it here. Uh, read it when you...gotta go! Bye! (flies off in UFO)

BILL MAXWELL: Special agent Bill Maxwell, FBI. We got a report of a UFO in the area. It looks like alien super suit technology. Probably bonded to your DNA already, no point in trying to remove it. Well, come on, kid. Time to save the world!

(Bill uses the nerd to safely diffuse a bomb, stop a gunfight, and make a quick getaway in a bobsled robot adventure, all while the nerd was unconscious. They were both awarded medals of honor by George W. Bush.)

(nerd's house, Bill puts him back in the wheelbarrow)

BILL: Same time tomorrow, kid. (runs away)

ALIEN: Sorry! Clerical error! We kinda need the suit back! (takes the suit, he is nude) Thank you! Huh...his third leg is tiny. Tiny third leg! Bye!

(two girls come)

GIRL 1: Hey, we're raising money for...ugh!

GIRL 2: He he...his penis is tiny!

(nerd wakes up, doesn't move)

GIRL 2: Hi, penis! Oh, boo-boo-boo-boo! There you are!

(first girl takes a picture)

GIRL 2: You're a tiny penis, yes you are! Who's a tiny penis? Who's a tiny penis? You are! Oh, you're so cute, aren't you!

GIRL 1: Ha ha! How tiny!

NERD: Dang it...