Transcription:It's the Gifts That I Hate

Freddy Krueger from The Nightmare on Elm Street movie series is looking at himself in the mirror along with his wife Loretta.

Loretta Krueger: Freddy, why don't you wear that nice sweater Kathryn got you for Father's Day?

Freddy Krueger: (sighs) I'm not really a sweater guy.

Loretta Krueger: Oh, pooh! She'll be so happy seeing you wearing her gift.

Freddy Krueger: But it's itchy.

Cut to the Krueger family eating dinner and Freddy is wearing his trademark sweater. Freddy is constantly scratching himself while trying to eat.

Kathryn Krueger: And daddy?

Freddy Krueger: Yes, honey?

Kathryn Krueger: You know where I got it?

Freddy Krueger: No, honey.

Kathryn Krueger: The School Bazaar!

Freddy Krueger: Well, that's nice, honey.

Kathryn Krueger: And you know what else?

Freddy Krueger: No, sweetie.

Kathryn Krueger pulls out a fedora and places it on the table.

Kathryn Krueger: I also bought you a hat.

Freddy Krueger: Oh, that's great, darling!

Kathryn Krueger: Can you wear it now?

Freddy Krueger: Well, fedoras don't really go with sweaters, sweetie.

Kathryn Krueger: Yes, they do.

Freddy Krueger: No, they don't.

Kathryn Krueger: Yes, they do.

Freddy Krueger: No, they don't.

Kathryn Krueger: Yes, they do.

Freddy gets up from the table and scratches himself like crazy while shouting obscenities.

Freddy Krueger: What is this made of, pubes?! I can't stop scratching this f**king sweater!

Kathryn starts crying.

Kathryn Krueger: Daddy doesn't like his gifts.

Freddy becomes calm again and sits back down.

Freddy Krueger: No, no, no. I'm sorry, honey. Daddy loves his gifts.

Freddy scratches himself again. Cut to the Krueger's basement and Freddy is now wearing his trademark fedora and he's also putting on his trademark glove with claws.

Freddy Krueger: F**king itching sweater! F**king stupid School Bazaar!

Freddy is now scratching himself with the clawed glove and sighs in relief.

Freddy Krueger: Oh! Oh, Mary! That's the stuff.

The sound of a door opening and closing is heard and Kathryn comes in to see her father.

Kathryn Krueger: Hi, daddy!

Freddy Krueger: Oh, hi sweetie!

Kathryn Krueger: You know what else I got you?

Freddy Krueger: No, honey. What?

Kathryn pulls out a tie.

Kathryn Krueger: A tie!

Freddy pretends to be surprised.

Freddy Krueger: Wow! Thank you, sweetie.

Kathryn Krueger: Can you wear it now?

Freddy Krueger: Well, ties definitely don't go with sweaters, sweetheart.

Kathryn Krueger: Yes, they do.

Freddy Krueger: No, they don't.

Kathryn Krueger: Yes, they do.

Freddy Krueger: Oh, for the love of God, stop shopping at school! No more hats! No more sweaters! No more School Bazaars!

Freddy Krueger runs off in a rampage. Cut to the School Bazaar in the school gymnasium and Freddy bashes himself in. He pushes a bunch of presents off of a table.

Freddy Krueger: No more crappy gifts!

A woman grabs her child.

Woman: Oh, my God! That man is attacking our children!

Freddy Krueger: What?! No, no. You got it all wrong. It's the gifts that I hate.

Woman: Child abuser!

An angry mob forms and Freddy backs into a table with candles on it. One of the candles rolls into a bucket of solvent which leads a trail of fire to an outlet octopus. The results end with the entire gymnasium set on fire and Freddy is trapped in the flames.

Freddy Krueger: Wait, you don't understand! It's an itchy sweater!

Three dream demons appear before Freddy in the flames.

Demon: Freddy Krueger! We have searched the mortal world for the angriest soul. We offer you the chance to be for all eternity!

Freddy Krueger: Aw, hell! If it just- If it gets me out of this mess, then I'll take it. Just let me take off this itchy sweater-

Demon: It is done!

Freddy Krueger: What?! Not with the sweater and the fedora! Aw, come-

The demons look embarrassed.

Freddy Krueger: Well, at least I got my complexion.

The flames swallow Freddy.

Sketch ends