Transcription:Oprah Fulfills Dreams

OPRAH: Welcome back to the nineteenth season of Oprah. Today, no dream is too big to fulfill. What can Oprah do for you?

MAN: Me? Oh, eh...oh, my. I'd-I'd love a nice pastrami sandwich.

OPRAH: Check under your chair!

MAN: (pulls out a sandwich, takes a bite) It's good.

OPRAH: Everyone else, look under your chairs!

(everyone pulls out wrapped gifts)

OPRAH: Don't open them yet!

(two people stares at the gifts anxiously)

OPRAH: Not yet! Now! Open the boxes! They're keys to a new car! Everyone gets a new car!

(the crowd cheers, the sandwich man groans)

OPRAH: Okay, okay. Oprah's got a caller. What's your wish, sir?

CHIEF RAINING STEREOTYPE: I would like more land for my people. Land we can be proud on.

OPRAH: You want more land? How about the entire Louisiana Purchase!?

(Indians pull down the Gateway Arch and tepees come up)

CHIEF: This will look great in my casino.

OPRAH: You think that's something? No dream is too big. Look out, America; we're raising the dead so you can see your loved ones again!

(zombies coming out of the ground)

OPRAH: All of you who have been laid to rest, I want you to rise up! The power of Oprah, the Big O is coming atchya! We're almost out of time, but we can end the show with one more dream come true. Sally, from North Dakota, what's your dream, little girl?

SALLY: I'd like daddy to stop hurting mommy.

(Oprah is speechless, someone coughs)