Transcription:Are You The One: Archie Edition

Welcome to "Are you the one?" where you smash some [bleep] while the computer decides who's your perfect mate! Archie Andrews. Now, you're a routine [bleep] smasher. - Did you have a good week? - Yeah. I got to know the girls better. Ugh, whiskey. Really? What are their names? Uh, Straw-head, Black Bangs, Fuggo. Wrong! So, who's your perfect match? Cherry. Cherry Bosoms. Uh, no, but I could see where you get that. Cheryl Blossom, come on out. Betty, what do you think of this match? I couldn't be happier for them. Don't they make a cute couple? I'm very happy for them. I mean that. I really, really mean that. - Jughead, boom-boom room, now. - Sorry, Ethel. I picked Betty. I'll let you eat a hot pocket out of my hot pocket. Huh? I'll put my crotch rocket in your rod socket! Hey, girl, what do you say we hit the boom-boom room? You can meet my trophy, and I'll put you on the "mantle. " 'Cause I'm Reggie Mantle! Get it? How about a handy in the pool? A hummer in the driveway? A fridge-splitter in the wine cellar? Ronnie! What the [bleep] is going on here? Now let's see if truth booth says Archie and Cheryl are a perfect match. This game is stupid. _ Hey, Reggie, you know what? I'm g