Transcription:Bloopers!

TITLE: BLOOPERS!

{The host walks on and bows to the audience.}

HOST: Is everyone ready for more of those hilarious bloopers? You know, being a TV reporter isn't all fires and double homicides. When you can't get your lines right, sometimes the biggest story is you!

''{Cut to a zoo. A giant panda sits on some rocks, chewing on a piece of bamboo. In front of her stands reported Jerry Poppendaddi who is looking rather nervous.}''

CAPTION: on the hunt - with Jerry Poppendaddi

JERRY POPPENDADDI: There's nothing like some tasty bamboo, especially when you're Ling Ling who's travelled all the way from China to visit... um... ah... I'm sorry, I just don't feel safe next to this animal.

CAMERAMAN: It's completely harmless, Jerry.

JERRY POPPENDADDI: Er, ah, are you sure? It's just that... ah... alright...

CAMERAMAN:' Still rolling.

JERRY POPPENDADDI: There's nothing like a nice piece of bamboo... ah... when... crap!

CAMERAMAN: Stop being such a wuss.

JERRY POPPENDADDI: I-I-I... it's... fine. Fine!

CAMERAMAN: Rolling.

JERRY POPPENDADDI: There's... ah... nothing like a nice piece of bamboo, especially when...

{The panda leans over and bites Jerry's head off.}

''{Cut back to the host. The audience is laughing.}''

HOST: You just can't trust the Chinese! There certainly weren't any Chinese in Hazzard County, but Bo and Luke had problems of their own!

''{Cut to Hazzard County. The General Lee sits in the drive. A clapperboard appears which reads:Dukes of Hazard: Take 1}''

CLAPPERBOARD: Marker.

''{Bo and Luke appear. Luke jumps into the car through the passenger window, but Bo slides over the bonnet into a tree.}''

''{Cut to the same scene setup. The clapperboard claps, "Dukes of Hazard: Take 2". Bo and Luke try again but this time Bo bounce off the bonnet, on his head.}''

BO DUKE: Son of a bitch! Ow! Ow!

''{Cut to the same scene setup. The clapperboard claps, "Dukes of Hazard: Take 3". Bo and Luke try again. Bo slides perfectly into the driver's seat but Luke gets stuck in the window.}''

LUKE DUKE: Wait! Wait! I'm stuck! I'm stuck!

{Bo drives off regardless, hitting Luke's head on the mailbox.}

{Cut back to the studio.}

HOST: When David Duchovny announced he was leaving The X-Files, producers had to scramble to find a new male lead. Check out these never-before-seen screen tests!

{Cut to Mulder's office on the X-Files set.}

DIRECTOR: Keanu Reeves screen test, take one.

GILLIAN ANDERSON: So, you're telling me we're dealing with a sort of missing link in the evolutionary chain?

KEANU REEVES: That's right, Scully! The scientific name for this beast would be Rodanondus marcipius from the genus Simpleacles... huhhuhhuhhuh!

{Cut to Mulder's office on the X-Files set.}

DIRECTOR: Mr. T screen test, take one.

GILLIAN ANDERSON: So, you're telling me we're dealing with a sort of missing link...

MR. T: You damn right, Scully! Missing link between the bugs and the humans! Talking 'bout... bad for the kids... don't play me for no jibber-jabber, fool!

{Cut to Mulder's office on the X-Files set.}

DIRECTOR: (sighs) Corky screen test, take 27.

GILLIAN ANDERSON: So, you're telling me we're dealing with a sort of missing link in the evolutionary chain?

{Long pause.}

CORKY: I just made a doody... in my pants!

{Cut back to the studio.}

HOST: You know, Superman had a movie serial as far back as 1948, but the actor playing him had his share of super-problems!

''{Cut to a black-and-white scene. A woman sits tied to a chair, with two armed villains behind her.}''

WOMAN: Help! Help me, Superman, help!

{George Reeves staggers onto the set, clutching a bottle.}

GEORGE REEVES: This looks like a job... for Superman!

''{He burps loudly. The villains look at each other.}''

VILLAIN: (to the director) So, do we keep going? Yeah? Okay. Ah... ah... ah... even Superman can't outrun... ah... a bullet...

{Reeves hits him in the face with the bottle.}

VILLAIN: Oh, my face! You hit me in the eye! Why would you do that?

GEORGE REEVES: Hooray! You're saved! Up, up and... away!

{He throws himself into the backdrop window, collapsing it.}

{Cut back to the studio.}

HOST: His lawyers called it (winks) "heat exhaustion". Remember Diff'rent Strokes? We got our hands on some footage from that classic sitcom that's never been seen before!

{Cut to the Diff'rent Strokes'' set. Conrad Bain (Mr. Drummond) has Gary Coleman (Arnold) over his knee with his pants down and is spanking him.}''

CONRAD BAIN: Someone's been a bad, bad boy! Bad, bad boy!

GARY COLEMAN: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

FLOOR MANAGER: Conrad, Gary, you're on. Places, everyone.

{Gary jumps up and pulls his pants up.}

DIRECTOR: And... action!

CONRAD BAIN: Who wants ice cream?

GARY COLEMAN, TODD BRIDGES and DANA PLATO: We do! We do!

{Cut to the Pikachu and Squirtle.}

HOST: (voiceover) Here's a rare blooper from that smash hit cartoon Pokémon.

PIKACHU: Pikachu! Pika pika? Pika piiii.

SQUIRTLE: Squirtle squirtle! Squirtle squirtle!

PIKACHU: Pika pika pikachu. Pika pika!

SQUIRTLE: Squirtle squirtle! Squir... what the (BEEP) am I saying? No, I mean it! This (BEEP) makes no sense at all!

PIKACHU: Say the line, Earl, or you get the gas!

SQUIRTLE: For the love of (BEEP), kids. Go read a book or something!

{Cut back to the studio.}

HOST: Next up is something I like to call (shouting) "BLOOPERS IN SPACE"!

{Cut to the set of the original series of Star Trek''. The turbolift opens on the bridge of the Enterprise, and as William Shatner walks out, the doors slide closed crushing his groin.}''

WILLIAM SHATNER: Aaarrrggghhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh!

''{He collapses to his knees. The doors close twice on his head. He collapses. Leonard Nimoy runs up, laughing.}''

LEONARD NIMOY: Ah ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha!

{Cut to the set of Battlestar Galactica''. Dirk Benedict (Starbuck) and Lorne Greene (Adama) stand in the corridor.}''

ADAMA: We're in big trouble, Starbuck.

{A Cylon warrior approaches.}

CYLON: Stop right there, humans.

''{The Cylon falls flat on his face. Benedict and Greene laugh.}''

HOST: (voiceover) The actors playing those nasty Cylons has all sorts of problems manoeuvring in those bulky costumes. Just watch!

{A montage of Cylons falling over is shown: a Cylon approaches a director's chair and falls onto it; two Cylons bump into one another in a corridor; a Cylon falls into a fruitstand; two Cylons fall over each other, another trips over them, and a fourth Cylon falls from the ceiling; a Cylon guard falls over backwards; a Cylong falls down a flight of stairs; a Cylon with a shopping cart knocks over a product display, then falls over; a Cylon runs through a pane of glass carried by two others; a Cylon pushes another on a swing and is knocked over; a Cylon is polished by a makeup girl.}

DIRECTOR: Marker.

CYLON: By your command.

{He falls over; a Cylon fixing his Cylon Raider and it falls on top of him; a Cylon slips on a skateboard, crushing Muffy the Daggit; a Cylon's arms and head fall off; a Cylon is walking towards a banana peel, but a wrecking ball knocks him into space.}

{Cut back to the studio.}

HOST: That's all the time we have today, but come back next week for more outrageous bloopers!

{He pulls out a noose and hangs himself.}