Transcription:We Are The Victors

[1984 Libertarian party convention]

Candidate #1: Thank you, my Libertarian friends, for making us your nominees for president and vise president of these United States of America!

Candidate #2: 1984 is the year of the Libertarian party! We will be champions!

Candidate #1: Yes, unfortunately, the rock band Queen won't let us play their hit "We Are The Champions", so enjoy this soundalike, which we will play IN THE WHITEHOUSE!

Singer #1: [to the tune of "We Are The Champions"] We are the victors of the Glo-obe. And we'll continue doing stuff.

[1988 Libertarian party convention, the candidates have longer hair]

Candidate #1: Four years ago, I said that we would be champions... How wrong I was. Ronald Regan soundly beat us.

Candidate #2: In fact we recieved less than one percent of one percent of the vote.

Candidate #1: But it is 1988 and the country needs to come together like a family.

Candidate #2: We are family! We are family!

Candidate #1: Don't worry, Sister Sledge, this is not your copyright-protected musical hit "We Are Family". It's something better!

Singer #2: [to the tune of "We Are Family"] We are a close-knit group! Co-workers and aquaintances!

[1992 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are noticeably older, and now have wives]

Candidate #2: Four years ago, we asked America to join our family... America said no.

Candidate #1: So we decided to make loving families of our own. Who else wants to get on board the love train?

Candidate #2: Sadly, The OJs would let us use their hit song "Love Train.

Candidate #1: Even though it expresses every political ideal we stand for!

Candidate #2: Next stop, the Whitehouse.

Candidate #1: Toot toot! All aboard!

Singer #3: [to the tune of "Love Train"] Cidizens of the Earth. Ride the Friend Choo-choo, ride the Friend Choo-choo, ride the Friend Choo-choo.

[2008 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are now old men]

Candidate #2: Sadly, not a single voter cose to ride the friendship choo-choo. Worse, despite using the soundalike, The OJs still sued us.

Candidate #1: During the 16-year legal battle, unsavory private matters were revealed, thus resulting in the spectacular in-court suicide of my beautiful wife, Nannette.

Candidate #2: My wife Sarah also committed suicide, but, uh, that was unrelated to the trial.

Candidate #1: These tragities taught us that life, like voting for a third party, is ultimately meaningless.

Candidate #2: So, in the end, all we, the Libertarian party, are is "Dust In the Wind".

Candidate #1: [stammers]

Candidate #2: I mean, all of us is airborne minidirt!

Candidate #1: Airborne minidirt, y'all!

Singer #4: [to the tune of "Dust In the Wind"] All of us is airborne minidirt...