Transcription:Revised Lessons of Dr. Suess


 * In a town called Los Angeles, people felt groovy
 * But The Lorax opened one hell of a movie
 * The studio was happy, the parties were tasteful
 * But poor Mr. Lorax found it all wasteful
 * "This sucks" he complained as they toasted crystal
 * "They haven't been listening to me at all!"
 * Then out popped the Moola, a marvelous chap
 * While the Lorax droned on with his usual crap
 * "My name is The Lorax, I speak for the trees"
 * But the marvelous Moola just did one of these
 * And rolling his eyes interrupted "Oh, please!"
 * "Our planet is fucked, and your ernest as hell"
 * "But that hippity dippity crap doesn't sell!"
 * "We can all make a difference, no matter how tiny"
 * He said and the Moola shot back "God, you're whiny!"
 * "Nobody likes a shrill libral shower!"
 * "So I fixed up your film with my new Message-Outer!"
 * "It snipped up your message. Dude, morals are lame."
 * "The real money's made in the merchandise game!"
 * And then with a big mighty roar from his trunk
 * Appeared Horton the Elephant washing his junk.
 * "Oh, Lorax" said Horton "I know how you feel"
 * "I once had a whole goody-goody type Spiel"
 * "A person's a person, no matter how small"
 * "Let me tell you, that shit didn't catch on at all!"
 * "So I got a new look, a new name, something blunter."
 * "I've rebranded myself as Horton, Who-hunter!"
 * From the shadows, A Cat in the Hat overheard.
 * And approaching the Lorax said "What up, nerd?"
 * "You taught the kids to responsibly play!"
 * But the Cat in the Hat said "That crap didn't pay!"
 * "Forget cleaning houses, I'm straight cleaning up, guy!"
 * "Now, I'm off to go hang with Joe Marroquin"
 * "I'm living the dream, and if parents are pissed"
 * "They can put in a call to my new publicists!"
 * "Thing 1 and Thing 2, they're both on my payroll!"
 * The Lorax was stunned "Holy crap, what an a-hole!"
 * "No more" said the Lorax "No more of these speeches!"
 * "How 'bout just one more? You remember the Sneetches?"
 * "We once had a message, and a good one, two, bro!"
 * "But did we get a movie? Well, did we? HELL, NO!"
 * "We tried to teach tolerance, and where did that get us?"
 * "Well, fuck it! We'd rather make mountains of lettuce!"
 * "There's my house, it's 12 stories with 40 jakoozies"
 * "6 cars, 19 butlers, unlimited floozies"
 * "It's what it's about, man! It's capitalism"
 * And the Lorax responded with geysers of fizzin'"
 * Thanks to the Moola, that marketing whore
 * He could finally see what he hadn't before
 * "I'll get me an agent, an accountant named Parcel"
 * "A toy line, a lunch box, an Ihop commercial"
 * And then the Lorax got rich and was totally stoaked
 * Until the day he contracted AIDS, and then croaked.
 * WHAT?!?