Transcription:Blow Some Steam

(The sketch opens as Thomas the Tank Engine chugs through a meadow with a barn At The Beginning.)

Narrator: Thomas the Tank Engine was huffing and puffing when suddenly...

Thomas: [looking around] Bust my buffers! This isn't the way to the Whistling Woods.

(We snap to a shot of a bank robber that drives Thomas.)

Bank Robber: Yes, it ain't, pal! Unless the Mayor of Sodor gives me a hundred million bucks, we're gonna drive this dynamite [pull to a pile of dynamite that is counting down to explosion] right into Knapford Station!

(Next, we cut to the Mayor of Sodor's office, where his aid comes in through the door.)

Mayor's Aid: Uh, we've got a problem.

Mayor: Get me Sir Topham Hatt. [his aid leaves] And you... [Rosie appears from behind his desk] ...you come back later.

Rosie: You know my schedule, dear.

(She drives away, and then we cut to Knapford Station with James and Percy next to each other with Sir Topham in Percy's interior.)

Sir Topham Hatt: Okay, people, this is what we trained for. [Percy just laughs] So immature! Can we all just stay on track? [James also laughs, irritating him] Let's just get this bastard!

(Percy blasts his whistle, and he and James begin to slowly puff away.)

Sir Topham Hatt: [with frustration] Move, move, move!

(James'whistle blows and the two engines continue to chug with slowness. Eight hours later [as seen on a title card], Percy catches up to Thomas, who is still being driven by the robber.)

Thomas: Hello, Percy!

Percy: Hello, Thomas! Wonderful weather for a hijacking, isn't it?

Sir Topham Hatt: Shut your steam hole and get closer!

(He jumps into Thomas's cab, and Percy puffs onto a curved track piece away from Thomas.)

Percy: I love being really useful!

(A penny appears on the rail of the tracks in front of Percy, who accidentally runs over it, causing him to derail and explode into a few pieces.)

Bank Robber: [holding an axe] You'll never take me alive, Sir Topham Hatt!

(He swings it at Sir Topham Hatt, but misses and hits Thomas' controls, causing some oil to squirt out and making Thomas groan in pain.)

Sir Topham Hatt: Missed me!

(The robber misses again and hits Thomas once more, causing him to blast out some steam.)

Sir Topham Hatt: Your blows are harmless!

(The robber hits Thomas three more times.)

Thomas: My internal organs! [after the fifth hit] Just finish me, you pussies!

(The robber punches Sir Topham Hatt to make him pull down Thomas' throttle, causing him to go faster in alarm.)

Bank Robber: [climbing on top of Thomas and speaking to a walkie-talkie] Conductor to Skywolf: request pickup.

Harold: [flying towards Thomas] Copy that; I'm on my way.

Thomas: [shocked and confused] Harold the Helicopter?! You're a part of this?!

Harold: That's right! I'm tired of taking a back seat to a bunch of steam trains; I can f***ing fly!

(Thomas and Harold zoom into a tunnel, where Sir Topham Hatt is just climbing on top of of Thomas as well.)

Bank Robber: So long, Topham!

(He cackles and turns toward Harold, who tries to catch him, but fails when he hits a wall with his tail blade, breaks down his choppers, falls to the ground, and explodes. Next, his top blade spins right between the two men [who duck as the robber screams], and Thomas makes it out of the tunnel to just barely avoid a huge explosion caused by the blade. A second later, he crashes through a sign that says: "Track Work Ahead", leaving him with a left black eye, a bloody nose, and one missing tooth.)

Thomas: What cruel god would give a train a face?! [chugs towards an unfinished bridge]

Sir Topham Hatt: [urging] Pump those pistons, you steam-powered son of a bitch!

(Thomas chugs even faster and flies over the cliff, but barely makes it by clinging to a rail ending with his mouth. Meanwhile, the robber and Sir Topham Hatt hang onto the back of Thomas to keep themselves from falling, with the robber clutching one of Sir Topham Hatt's legs.)

Bank Robber: [frightened] Topham! Help me! I'll turn myself in; I swear! Just pull me up!

Sir Topham Hatt: [good convinced] End of the line, f***-head!

(He kicks the robber in the head, and he falls screaming down the cliff to his death. We then fade back to Knapford Station, where the Mayor is giving Sir Topham Hatt his thanks while a crowd applauds.)

Mayor: [shakes Sir Topham Hatt's hand] Thank you, everyone! Knapford Station is safe!

Sir Topham Hatt: You're quite welcome, Mayor!

Mayor: Um, how did you dispose of the dynamite?

Sir Topham Hatt: Uhh...

(We cut to Thomas, James, Clarabel, and Annie in a siding, which looks normal for a bit, but then the dynamite explodes in Thomas' compartment, destroying the siding and killing all four engines. Next, the scene changes to look as if it was from an old book and scrolls upward to reveal the rest of the story, ending with "THE END".)

Narrator: [reading the screen] And with yes more public transportation, everyone on Sodor bought a Hummer.

Rosie: [pops out between the story's conclusion and "THE END"] Whew, I've got a lot of work to do! Toot-toooot!