Transcription:You Bet Your Ass That's a Boulder

The scene opens with a Hovito chief and a Hovito contractor at the entrance of the Temple of the Golden Idol from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Other Hovitos are hard at work making the traps that are found in the temple.

Contractor: This is where it will all start. And the first thing they run into? Spiders!

The contractor picks up a spider.

Chief: How much do these costs?

The chief turns around and his back is covered with spiders. The contractor rubs them off.

Contractor: They're indigenous spiders. They're free! Okay, keep going.

They move to a ray of light shining in the room.

Contractor (gasps): Look at this! Huh? Look at this lovely beam of light. If anything touches it, what could happen?

The contractor touches the ray and a spear comes out of the wall. The chief freaks out and the contractor laughs.

Contractor: Spear through the face!

Chief: It's the Devil's magic!

A secret door opens up to reveal a Hovito sitting on a rock and waves at the chief.

Contractor: No. No, no, no. It's just Nalumu over here. Anyway, keep going. Oh, uh...

They move over to a pit trap.

Contractor: This is the standard pit trap: pretty straightforward. Mostly for ambience. It shouldn't really fool anyone.

They both look down and see a dead Hovito impaled on the spikes below. The contractor laughs.

Contractor: Except for Hernando, apparently. Excuse me. Guys! Hernando finally went in!

Cut to two Hovito workers working on the temple with a piece of wood that says 4 days since last accident. One worker laughs.

Worker: Knew that was coming!

Worker flips the wood with the number 4 on it and the sign now says 0 days since last accident. Cut back to contractor and chief and the contractor grabs two long planks and places them over the pit.

Contractor: Not the brightest bulb. His sister knew a guy...Moving on!

The chief and the contractor now head towards the dart chamber.

Contractor: We talked about doing snakes up here. But, come on. Seriously. "Woo! Snakes!" Ha ha. Who does that? This is way better. Try to cross, but be careful. Don't step on the wrong stone.

The chief steps on the trigger plate and a tile shoots a puff of air.

Chief: It hits me with a puff of air?

Contractor: No, no, no. Darts! Lots and lots of darts!

Contractor imitates the darts firing out of the tiles.

Contractor: And, we're gonna carve angry faces on the walls that look like they're spitting the darts! Like this!

Contractor pretends that an angry face in the wall is spitting out a dart.

Contractor: It's gonna be great.

Contractor walks off and the chief steps on the trigger plate again and shoots another puff of air.

Contractor: This may be my best work yet.

Chief: How many darts you gonna put in there?

The contractor returns to the chief.

Contractor: Uh, 200.

Chief: 200?!

Contractor: They come in a box of hundreds.

Chief: 200?! Each one connected to a floor plate? Huh? A weight mechanism? Right?! Connection coils to the wall. You said it! The dart! 200 darts! The dart poison! 200 dart poison! And the dart firing mechanism! I suppose 200 of those too! Damn it, man! All I want is more snakes!

Contractor: But-but-but-but-but-but-but. Check this out.

The contractor reveals the golden idol sitting on a pedestal and two Hovito workers are cementing the pedestal. The chief gasps.

Chief: And is that our god?! Just sitting there with no protection-

Contractor (overlapping): Hang on. Hang on. Seemingly. Seemingly

Chief (overlapping): Holy sh*t, man!

Contractor: But the altar has a weight trigger. So if you take the idol, down this goes and then the whole place- KABOOOOOM!!!

Chief: Okay, but what if someone were to swap out the idol with something of equal weight?

The contractor laughs.

Contractor: How would you know what the weight is without picking it up?

The contractor picks up the chief and puts him down again.

Contractor: I mean, have you ever guessed a jar of jellybeans? Huh? Is that a thousand in there? Or 100,000? No, way less! Probably 422 or something.

The chief looks up and gasps. Cut to Hovitos working on a giant f*cking boulder at the top of the wall.

Chief: Is that a giant f*cking boulder?!

Contractor: You bet your ass that's a giant f*cking boulder! It'll come rolling down and chase them!

Chief: What if they don't run?

Contractor: Wouldn't you run? Besides, they'd be trapped inside when the boulder hit the entrance.

Chief: But, if they had a friend outside who could blast them out?

Contractor: Who's gonna think of that in advance?! "Hey, maybe we should pack some explosives in case a giant f*cking rolling boulder comes after me?"

Chief: I'm not sure about the boulder.

Contractor: Okay, the boulder ties it all together. Okay- look. Look. You liked what I did with that salt acid trap in Hamunaptra, Egypt. Right? You loved it. And that skeleton organ that made the floor collapse in Astoria, Oregon? Trust me; this is my thing, dude! People will talk about this one for years.

Chief: All right. Let's give it a try, huh?

Contractor: Guys! We got the boulder!

The workers cheer.

Sketch ends