Transcription:Nicky Passion

The scene opens with Nicky Passion sliding on stage.

Nicky Passion: Whoo! All right! I'm Nicky Passion and I'm here to show you how to manage your team and-

Cut to an audience of villains from different TV series, movies and in real life.

Villains: ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS!

Nicky Passion approaches COBRA Commander.

Nicky Passion: Check out the mug on this one. Hey. Mirror, mirror on your face. What brought you to this helpful place?

COBRA Commander: Uh, well, I run my own business-

Nicky Passion: I'm kidding, rearview. I read your bio; I know the story. Let's take a look at your video.

Cut to a falling jet exploding and COBRA Commander parachuting to safety.

COBRA Commander: Next time, G.I. Joe!

Cut to COBRA Commander running from a battle zone with his troops being blown to bits.

COBRA Commander: Next time, G.I. Joe!

Cut to COBRA Commander in a samba outfit being forced to dance by two Joes.

COBRA Commander: Next time, G.I. Joe!

Cut back to COBRA Commander with Nicky Passion.

Nicky Passion: But that next time never comes, does it?

COBRA Commander (Disappointed): No.

Nicky Passion: Maybe it's time you stop COBRA commanding and start COBRA commending. You run one of the most successful terrorist organizations in the world. Isn't that something to be proud of?

COBRA Commander: I guess...

Nicky Passion: Maybe, once you step back and look, you'll realize that you've already-

Villains: ACHIEVED YOUR DREAMS!

COBRA Commander: It's not exactly my dream-

COBRA Commander sits back in his chair.

COBRA Commander: I paid $300 for this?!

Cut to Cy-Kill at a reception desk.

Regristration Lady: I'm sorry, sir. I don't see a name tag for a "Cy-Kill."

Cy-Kill: But I told Crasher to book my trip! She must've failed me! You see, I need this seminar more than anyone!

Regristration Lady: Sorry. There's really nothing I can do.

Cy-Kill: Well, there's nothing you can do about me taking all the free cookies!

Cy-Kill transforms and steals the cookies while laughing evilly. The Regristration Lady puts another bowl of cookies on the reception desk. Cut back to Nicky Passion next to Megatron.

Megatron: I am Megatron, leader of the Decepticons.

Nicky Passion: Sounds more like a self-Decepticon. Let's take a look!

Cut to Megatron and Starscream jumping from an explosion.

Starscream: This is your fault, Megatron!

Megatron and Starscream are running from enemy fire.

Starscream: You're firing blanks, Megatron!

Starscream fires twice before grabbing his crotch.

Starscream: How do my balls taste, Megatron?

Cut back to Nicky Passion and Megatron.

Nicky Passion: And what's your girl Friday's name?

Megatron: Starscream.

Nicky Passion: Listen to me now, tons-of-fun! It's not the gun in the fight, but the fight in the gun! And this guy here is Starscreaming for an ass-whooping! Listen to me, now! You stand for number one, but you always sit for number two.

Megatron: Ahh. Thank you.

Nicky Passion: All right! There you go! Alright, we got time for one more, folks. Where is-

Mumm-Ra is backing up in a scooter.

Nicky Passion: Charmin? You all good?

Mumm-Ra: What?! Who's there?

Nicky Passion: Whoops! I think I woke him, folks.

The audience laughs.

Mumm-Ra: Who's there?!

Nicky Passion: Anyway, Tommy do me a favor and put that shame spotlight on the gay blade in 13C!

Cuts to Shredder who's excited until Skeletor pops up.

Skeletor: Ah! Ah, Nicky!

Nicky Passion: Bones, what the hell are you doing here?! I told you, man: I can't help you!

Skeletor: But I've been doing the exercises you gave me and writing in my dream journal.

Nicky Passion: Have you defeated He-Man once yet?

Skeletor: Well...

Nicky Passion: Just once?

Skeletor: What is defeated even really mean, you know? I mean, "One man's defeat is another man's-" Heh, heh. I'll just go.

Nicky Passion: Alright, get on outta here! And remember, folks: You can't be the top dog if you act like a pussy. Enjoy your lunch!

Beast Man, a man with an eye patch and a guy in a suit go up to Nicky to talk to him. Mumm-Ra begins to leave when a strand of his toilet paper is caught. The audience is then making disgusted sounds.

Random Villain: I can see your Mumm-balls.

Eye Patch Man: Looks like an old hackie sack.

Sketch ends.