Transcription:B.A.G. Pipes

(Open in on Brian Austin Green inside his pipe store; a customer walks in)

Green: Hello, welcome to my pipe store, sir.

Customer 1: Hey, you're the white rap kid from 90210. You're Brian Austin Green, right?

Green: Well, I used to be an actor, but now, I'm following my true love...(suddenly appears beside the cosutomer) Pipes!

(Green sticks a pipe into the customer's mouth; both look up at a sign above them reading "B.A.G. Pipes")

Customer 1: Oh yeah, now that sign makes a lot more sense.

Green: Now, can I help you find a pipe?

Customer 1: Hey, didn't you used to date Megan Fox?

Green: That was a long time ago.

Customer 1: What happened?

Green: I told you, man. Pipes are my one true love.

(Cue to outside the store; the camera pans right to a store next door called Fox's Boxes; cut to the inside, where we see that the store is run by Megan Fox; a customer enters)

Customer 2: I need a box to ship some antiques.

Fox: I'm sure I can help you with that.

Customer 2: Hey, uh, you're Megan Fox, the actress.

Fox: Former actress. Boxes are my life now.

Customer 2: Didn't you used to date that Austin Greenbriar, or whoever.

Fox: Brian Austin Green, yeah. But these days, boxes are my one true love.

(Green enters the store)

Green: Excuse me, miss, you have any boxes that would fit...

(Green sees Fox and pauses in shock; romantic music starts to play)

Green: ...My...heart?

(Fox is surprised as well upon seeing Green; the music suddenly stops when the customer interrupts)

Customer 2: Well, I know when I'm a third wheel.

(Customer leaves the store; the music restarts)

Fox: You mean, all this time, you were running B.A.G. Pipes next door?

Green: You were the owner of Fox's Boxes?

Fox: I guess that...some things are just meant to be.

(Green and Fox start making out on her counter, and roll onto the the floor still kissing; cut to the set of "Masterpiece Theatre", where Alistair Cooke is sitting in his study speaking to the viewer)

Cooke: And together, they formed the most successful pipe shipping company in the United States. Yeah, well, that ends the 46th and final season of Masterpiece Theatre. Toward the end, I became very confused about what this show was trying to accomplish and, quite honestly, PBS viewers grew outraged their pledge money was funding it. I'm not sure what I'll do with my career in the months and years to come, but, I can guarentee you I won't be bookending tales about Brian Austin Green running a fucking pipe store. Ooohh, did I go off script!? Did I ruin to precious take, you insufferable prick!?

(Cooke angrilly walks off the set and onto the the soundstage where the crew is hanging out)

Cooke: Brian Austin Green can swing from my balls! Get a good grip, Brian! You're destroyed Masterpiece Theatre! YOU FUCKING DESTROYED IT!!!

(Cut to a PBS pledge drive, where a bunch of characters are taking phone calls in the background; the host is disturbed by what had just transpired)

Host: So, uuhhh...We still got a lot of those tote bags left.

(Cut to static)