Transcription:Bert's New Roommate

Bert: It's time we finally admitted we just don't work as roommates.

Ernie: Now people will stop saying we're gay!

Bert: Oh, this is much easier than one of us ever getting a girlfriend.

Bert: Oh, that must be the new roommate. I found him off Craigslist.

Ernie: Hmmm...Is that safe?

Sam: Where can I put my spoons?

-

Sam: Hey Bert, dude, am I waking you up, man? Hey-

Bert: What?

Sam: You ever put a gun in your mouth, just to get that taste on your tongue?

Bert: No, Sam...

Sam: Hey, Bert! Bert!

Bert: What? What??

Sam: Do I have blood in my moustache, Bert?

-

Bert: Oh is this another hair-brained scheme like Ernie--Oh my god you're SHITTING IN THE SINK!

Sam: Your toilet insulted my spoons!

-

Bert: Hey kids, do you have trouble tying your shoes? Well Sam and I have a song about it! (starts singing) Tying your shoes is so much fun!

Sam: (singing) The American government planned 9/11!

Bert: Ugh... (singing) you make two loops that look the same!

Sam: (singing) Everyone knows there was no SECOND PLANE! Uh-oh, my tooth fell out, guess another angel got its wings!

--

Ernie: Hey, Bert, just wanted to--WHOA, WHAT HAPPENED? (finds apartment trashed, Bert unshaven with a bong)

Bert: Oh, Ernie, I tried to make Sam the new you but instead he made me the new Smackhead Dave!

Ernie: Oh, Bert, I can cheer you up! (takes off his nose)

Sam: Hey, I can do that do! (cuts off his nose)

Ernie: Aaaaaah! Oh god!