Transcription:Dark Cristal

Executive 1: Oh, our Dark Crystal sequel is doomed!

Executive 2: Well, it's been in development Hell for years. Now theaters don't even want it anymore.

Executive 1: We need a brand-new take. Something that really tricks kids into thinking they want to see a movie about puppets.

(Cut to the next scene, where Jen is wearing a rapper-style outfit.)

Jen: Yo, whassup, everybody? This is Lil' Jen, aka MC Gelfling! Lemme take you on a little journey! Raise up your glasses y'all, and get ready for the story of the Dark... Cris... tal!

(The UrSkeks are seen drinking booze, when suddenly, one of them, driving a car, fires at them, breaking off part of the large bottle in the center. The race is split up into the UrRus and Skeksis, who go their separate ways.)

Jen: Once upon a time, in the distant land of Thra, there was a huge-ass super-sized bottle of Cristal, living under three suns, all the peoples having fun! They were clinking and drinking, Cristal for everyone, but then there was a dropby. Full stack! Hit the deck! It was the Skeksis of the Nexis with a take! Bottle got wrecked. They split into two different races to two different places. The Skeksis headed West with their creepy dead bird faces. The UrRus landed on the East Coast for all their help to come. They're all optimistic, so like to sit around and hum...

(The UrRus start humming rhythmically)

Jen: Oh, yeah. That sound good right there. In step, the prophecy, there's no stopping me! Gelfing's gonna help things, pretty soon we'll be popping C, R, I, S to the T, A, L. Full throttle, fix the bottle and break that spell!

(Jen is seen rapping along with other characters from the film.)

Jen and Chorus: Home world is ugly, no one sipping on bubbly, wanna get busy, but with out the fizzy, the ladies won't love me. I gotta save the world of Thra, at a far and distant call, I'm gonna break me some Skeksis and go get that Cristal. I went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of Cristal. Whoo! Then I met Kira and Fizzgig, he was a little fuzzy ball.

Fizzgig: Whassup, y'all?

(Jen is seen riding on Landstriders, and he encounters the Skeksis. He is seen leaping into the air, and places the broken shard onto the bottle. Jen is seen rapping again as the world's former glory is restored.)

Jen: Went on a Landstrider, rode to the castle, faced off with the Skeksis. Man, those dudes are crazy assholes! I put the cracked shard onto the bottle, back into the right spot! Now the East and West Coasts got back together, and this joint is fucking hot!

Jen and Chorus: This party's a blast, Cristal's glowing fast. I'm thinking I wanna get up in Kira's ass. We're all having a ball, there won't be no last call. West and East, squash the beef! They're all drinking Cristal. The people still coming, and the mystics still humming, they go...

(The UrRus start humming rhythmically)

Jen: Yeah.