Transcription:Zombie Idol

(Cut to Ryan Seacrest)

RYAN SEACREST: Welcome to another thrilling edition of Zombie Idol. Last week America voted in record-shattering numbers. In fact, phone lines were jammed so badly that major metropolitan areas temporarily lost 911 service. Hundreds died.

(Cut to Tiny Tim, then William Hung, then John Lennon, then the Fat Boys.)

RYAN: It all started with the auditions as the reanimated corpses of rock 'n' roll all competed for a spot on our show. Past performances from zombies such as John Lennon and the Beach Boys tore up our stage. Competition has been hot and heavy.

(Cut to the judges table) RYAN: It's time to meet our judges. Give it up for Frankenberry.

FRANKENBERRY: Yeah. Yeah, dawg. Yeah.

Let's hear it for Boo Berry.

BOO BERRY: I hope our contestants just have fun and, you know, be themselves and pretty, pretty space people and a puppy.

RYAN: And last and certainly not least, please welcome Count Chocula!

(Audience boos)

COUNT CHOCULA: Well, I certainly hope tonight's performances are better than last week's ghastly affair.

RYAN: Nice outfit. Isn't it gauche to wear brown after Labor Day?

CHOCULA: I don't know, Ryan. Isn't it gauche to be a complete douchebag on national TV each week?

RYAN: Not when you're paid like me. It's time for our first performance of the evening. Here's Bob Marley.

(Cut to Bob Marley. After his performance, he is taken away by police.

FRANKENBERRY: Yeah, dawg. You did your thing.

BOO BERRY: Marmalade.

CHOCULA: Dreadful.

RYAN: Don't forget to text message your votes at the end of the show, because phone companies make far more money that way. It's time to check in now with our very own roving reporter Kristin Holt. What kind of hijinks are going on backstage, Kristin?

(Cut to backstage with Kristin Holt)

KRISTIN HOLT: Ryan, the zombies are going wild after one of the children from the Grant-A-Wish Foundation fell and cracked his head open.

ZOMBIE: Brains.

(Kristin punches out the zombie with her microphone.)

KRISTIN: It's like some kind of feeding frenzy.

JIM MORRISON: L.A. woman...

(Kristin screams and runs and the camera falls down. Cut to the audience.)

VING RHAMES: There's only one way to stop a zombie. Blow their [BLEEP] heads off, baby.

TERI HATCHER: Don't forget to tell them about all the great deals at Radio Shed, Ving.

(Ving shoots and kills Teri. Ving then goes into the crowd of zombies and shoots their heads off. Kurt Cobain goes to Ving and shoots his own head off.)

RYAN: Don't forget to vote, everybody. Good night for Zombie Idol. Seacrest out.

ZOMBIES: Brains.

(Cut to static)