Transcription:Cold Villains

An unveiling is shown at a natural history museum. People are watching the auctioneer reveal a new exhibit to the museum.

Auctioneer: Welcome, everyone, to the grand opening of our newest exhibit: The Blue Star of Egypt.

The drape is removed to reveal a large, blue diamond. The crowd gasps.

Auctioneer: Alright, people. We all know what's coming next. Let's see if we can at least make it through a round of hors 'd' ourves before the first supervillain shows up.

A wall behind the auctioneer begins to freeze with ice.

Auctioneer: Apparently, there's a salmon bagel bite.

The wall breaks and Mr. Freeze jumps into the museum holding a freeze ray.

Mr. Freeze: EVERYBODY, FREEZE!!!

The crowd screams.

Mr. Freeze: Sorry to be so cold-hearted, but Mr. Freeze is stealing that ice.

Everyone runs away except the auctioneer. He grabs a salmon bagel bite from a server and eats it.

Auctioneer: Hmm! I was not expecting paprika. Mmmm! A-plus effort, honestly.

As Mr. Freeze approaches the diamond, another wall is covered in ice and wall breaks revealing Captain Cold holding a freeze ray identical to Mr. Freeze's.

Captain Cold: EVERYONE, CHILL OUT!!! Or Captain Cold will put you on ice! (Sees Mr. Freeze). Oh, come on!

Mr. Freeze: I thought we had a schedule worked out! This is my day.

Captain Cold: I have a new assistant; I'm still bringing him in.

A third wall is covered in ice and the auctioneer runs. The wall breaks to reveal Icicle also holding a freeze ray.

Icicle: EVERYONE, STAY COOL!!! It's about to get downright bone-chilling in here thanks to...ICICLE!

Notices Captain Cold and Mr. Freeze.

Icicle: Wow, I just walked into a cluster f*ck, huh?

Clock transistion to reveal the three villains talking. Icicle is leaning on the podium, Mr. Freeze stands in the center, and Captain Cold is sitting on the floor eating a tray full of salmon bagel bites.

Captain Cold: Mmmm! You guys! You have to try these salmon thingies.

Mr. Freeze: Focus, Captain Cold! Clearly, there's not room for three cold-themed villains with freeze rays.

Icicle: I guess you two Snow Jobs will have to change gimmicks, then.

Mr. Freeze: It's not my gimmick! I'll literally die in warm temperatures! My cryogenically frozen wife is my entire reason of living! My name is Victor Fries, for God's sake.

Captain Cold: It's "freeze" but you spell it "fries" like French fries. Weird.

Mr. Freeze: It's German.

Icicle: Well, I ain't changing, you dick!

A fourth wall gets covered in ice and breaks revealing Chillblaine also holding a freeze ray.

Chillblaine: EVERYONE, FREEZE!!! Ohh, for f*ck's sake!

Captain Cold: Oh, I completely forgot about Chillblaine!

Icicle: You and America, buddy.

Mr. Freeze: It took me six years of research to build my freeze ray. How do you high school dropouts keep making them? Are they as easy to build as HAM radios and I'm just an asshole?!

Icicle: Uh, guys. We've demolished a lot of lode bearing walls in here.

Cut to outside the museum to reveal that it's surrounded by cops and the superhero Ice is outside.

Ice: Well, those villains are going to the cooler thanks to Ice and her amazing freeze powers!

The museum collapses killing the villains. Everyone flees except for Ice.

Ice: Cool.

Sketch ends