Transcription:Meteorgeddon

(Three newspapers spin up:

The Orange Times: "Giant Meteor Headed for Earth" The Dizzy Times: "Planet Doomed!" The Spinning News: ""We wasted our lives!" Say Bitter Environmentalists")

(NASN)

Sean O'Keefe: Well, it is scientifically possible to fly a crew of men to the asteroid and destroy it, saving our planet. However, it will cost $80,000 trillion dollars.

Thad Generic: The fine citizens of this country are reluctant to support another tax increase. Therefore, Congress is asking America to vote on who goes into space.

George W. Bush: As your leader, I would be honored if America selected me to lead a dangerous suicide mission into outer space. But this letter from my daddy says Idon't got to go! Nah na na nah nah!

Reporter #2: The results are in. And the man Americans have selected tolead the meteor mission is Harrison Ford. Ford has starred in more top-grossing motion pictures than any other actor alive. And now the fate of the world is in his capable hands.

Harrison Ford: Listen. I'm 62 years old, and I'm just an actor. You people are all insane.

Irate Viewer: Pfft! That's terrible! Ohh, Steven Tyler's been clean for years! I have to write an angy letter. (begins totype on his laptop) "Dear assfaces..."

Harrison Ford: All right, this is it, people. We've gotta make a perfect three-point landing on the surface of a chunk of rock traveling 14,000 kilometers an hour. Then use our positioning software to determine our exact locations in which to detonate our charges, fracturing the meteor into small-enough pieces that'll burn up harmlessly in the Earth's atmosphere. Then we're gonna turn this puppy around and get home in one piece. Can we do this?

Aerosmith: YEAH!!!

Harrison Ford: Are you with me?

Aerosmith: YEAH!!!

Harrison Ford and Aerosmith: U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.-- (the spaceship explodes on the meteor's surface.)





Irate Viewer: Now, that sucks donkey dung.

(The meteor hurtles into Earth, forcing it to explode.)