Transcription:Secrets of the Animal Kingdom

CAPTION: SECRETS OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM presents

CAPTION: THE MONGOOSE:NATURE'S ASSASSIN

{A mongoose scurries though the grass, and pops his head up.}

NARRATOR: The mongoose may be small, but he's one of the fiercest killers in the animal kingdom.

''{A mouse jumps off a rock and hides as the mongoose scurries past. A vulture sitting on a log squarks and flies away quickly. The mongoose reaches the top of a small knoll, and looks around.}''

NARRATOR: When the mongoose finally spots its target, the strike is precise... and deadly.

''{The mongoose sets up a sniper rifle. Through the sight we see President John F. Kennedy being driven through the streets of Dallas. A shot is fired and two Secret Service agents leap onto the car as it roars away.}''

SECRET SERVICE AGENT: The President has been shot! Repeat, the President has been shot!

''{The smoking sniper rifle remains, but the mongoose is gone as police sirens can be heard. The next shot is of the mongoose reading a newspaper with the headline "OSWALD KILLS PRESIDENT" - the mongoose looks up and laughs.}''

CAPTION: SECRETS OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM presents

CAPTION: THE HYENA: NATURE'S A**HOLE

NARRATOR: No animal is immune from the tormenting cackle of the hyena.

''{Two bucks ram their antlers together, knocking both unconscious. The hyena appears, howling with laughter}''

''{A hippo is sinking into a tar pit. It reaches out for help, and the hyena whips his paw away, leaving the hippo to sink. He rolls around laughing.}''

HYENA: Look at him! He's so friggin' fat!

''{Like the old fable, a mouse is helping a lion who has a thorn stuck in his paw. The hyena appears, pointing and laughing.}''

HYENA: Some King of the Jungle! Ha ha ha ha haaa! Needs a mouse to help! Ha ha haa... uh oh...

''{The lion has appeared behind the hyena. He beats him up, bites him and smashes a chair over him.}''

{The hyena, in bandages and crutches, is making a call on a payphone.}

HYENA: Ha ha... er, yes, hi, I'd like to report a domestic disturbance.

{Later, two police officers are dragging the lion away.}

LION: But I didn't do anything!

LIONESS: Officer, no, he never laid a paw on me, I swear! You can't...

{As the police car drives away, the hyena appears beside the lioness.}

HYENA: So, single, huh?

CAPTION: SECRETS OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM presents

CAPTION: THE LEMMING: NATURE'S RETARD

''{A lemming is sniffing a plant when a horde of lemmings runs past. He joins them and they all run off a cliff.}''

NARRATOR: Truly the lemming is nature's retard.

''{Seven lemmings stand by the side of a busy road. Six of them run on to the road and are squashed by a car. The remaining one pauses, then runs out and is also squashed.}''

{A lemming watches a working blender.}

LEMMING: For freedom!

{The lemming jumps into the blender.}

{Two lemmings sit at a bar.}

MALE LEMMING: Let's go back to your place.

FEMALE LEMMING: Do you have any condoms?

MALE LEMMING: Who needs condoms?

CAPTION: RETARD