Transcription:Unsolved Case Files: Claus & Effect

(Cut to two elves ice skating on a lake)

ANNOUNCER: December 24, 4:30 PM, Christmas Eve. A time for joyous celebration. A time for gift-giving, for peace and love. A time for murder.

(Cut to a safe. A hand pulls a file out of the safe, brings it to a desk and stamps it "UNSOLVED CASE FILES", then opens it. It reads: CLAUS AND EFFECT: THE SANTA CLAUS MURDER". Then cut to a group of elves crying by a log.)

ANNOUNCER: It was the Christmas that made everyone cry--except for maybe the Jews--

(Cut to a crane hoisting Santa Claus' frozen corpse out of the ice. An elf throws up.)

ANNOUNCER: But when the evidence pointed to murder, the question on everyone's mind became "Who killed Christmas?"

(Cut to Mrs. Claus on a lawn chair on a beach sipping from a cocoanut)

ANNOUNCER: Perhaps no one can shed light on this mystery more than Martha Claus, the victim's wife of 43 years.

MRS. CLAUS: We stayed together mostly due to licensing issues. I doubt he would've gotten any sponsorship deals if he were a divoced single man living with a bunch of elves. They'd think he was gay.

(Cut to Mrs. Claus dancing with the lumberjack.)

ANNOUNCER: Crushed by grief, the widow claus has kept a low profile since the murder.

(Cut to Hermie smoking next to some wrapped presents)

ANNOUNCER: But not all was warmth and love at the North Pole. Deep inside Santa's fabled workshop, discontent had begun to spread among the androgynous elvin workforce.

HERMIE: It was all about the coke, man.

(Cut to elves stuffing wooden toys full of cocaine.)

HERMIE: Santa had us elves hide the blow in the crappy wooden toys.

(Cut to Santa dropping presents down the chimney. Then, A man who looks similar to Fidel Castro opens the present and rips its head off to get the drugs.)

HERMIE: Then he'd make the drop...

CHILD: Give it to me! Toy! Gimme, gimme toy! Gimme, gimme, gimme toy! Gimme, gimme, gimme toy! Gimme, gimme, gimme toy! Gimme, gimme, gimme toy!

HERMIE: And the sale was complete.

CHILD: Ohh.

(Cut to the Abominable Snowman at an airport)

HERMIE: He tried using some different ways to sneak the product in.

(Cut back to Hermie)

HERMIE: You ever see a yeti when a dozen condoms of coke burst in his belly?

(Cut back to thhe yeti. The yeti goes crazy, breaking things and throwing people)

(Cut back to Hermie)

HERMIE: It's a bad scene, man.

(Cut to some reindeer in a stable)

ANNOUNCER: Were the allegations true? Santa Claus an international drug peddler?

BLITZEN: Drugs? That wasn't no secret. But I'll tell you what the fat man's real problem was--when some of the shipments started to turn up a little light. Follow me? Somebody started having little private parties, you know what I'm saying? I think you do. As for who, well, you ever wonder how his nose got so red?

(Cut to Frosty the Snowman stealing coke from the elves)

ANNOUNCER: Punishment was swift for anyone who dared cross the boss.

FROSTY: Happy birthday!

(Cut to frosty being tortured with a small wood chipper)

ANNOUNCER: For anyone caught being naughty at the North Pole.

FROSTY: Happy birthday--(screaming)

(Cut back to the file. A picture of Santa Claus floats to the screen.)

ANNOUNCER: Who killed Santa Claus?

(A picture of Mrs. Claus)

ANNOUNCER: A neglected housewife?

(A picture of the Fidel Castro-looking man)

ANNOUNCER: Colombian drug runners?

(A picture of Frosty)

ANNOUNCER: Some retard snowman?

(Cut to the outside of Santa's house. The yeti comes and bangs against the wall until he passes out.)

ANNOUNCER: We may never know who killed Santa Claus, but whoeverdid is still out there, watching, waiting. Who's next? The Easter Bunny? Cupid? That Lucky Charms cereal guy? Who's to say? But when it does happen, Unsolved Case Files will be there to make a buck.

(Cut to another file)

ANNOUNCER: Next time on Unsolved Case Files...

(Cut to a picture of the Taco Bell chihuahua. He has a bandage over his groin region.)

ANNOUNCER: The Taco Bell chihuahua's castration--simple neutering or hate crime?

(Cut to the Taco Bell chihuahua in front of his doghouse)

TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero my nuts!

(Cut to static)