Transcription:Twist Endings

''[We cut to a board meeting. Various movie posters can be seen in the background.]''

Executive: Nobody cares about a movie unless it's got a twist ending! He's dead! She's got a dick! He was chasing himself! It was a dream! It wasn't a dream! He was a midget! He was two midgets! That's what sell tickets, fellas!

Head Executive: You're suggesting we re-release our hits with new twist endings?

Executive: Uh, I was just...

Head Executive: Do it.

''["The Wizard of Oz". Dorothy wakes up back in her bed with Auntie Em and Uncle Henry watching her.]''

Dorothy: Auntie Em? Uncle Henry? Am I back in Kansas?

Auntie Em: (putting her hand on Dorothy's shoulder) The good news is, yes. The better news is, it's Kansas 3000 years in the future!

Corn Doctor: (peeks in through the door) So, how's our patient doing?

''["Titanic". Rose drops the Heart of the Ocean back into the sea.]''

Rose: They bought it. They'll never guess that I, Queen Saturnax of Jupiter, sank Titanic with my bare hands.

Brock: Uh, what are you talking about?

[Rose turns around and roars, her eyes glowing red, and she punches the deck, causing the ship to sink.]

''["Jack & Jill". Jack is about eat his breakfast, when he notices Jill riding a jet ski in his outdoor swimming pool.]''

Jack: (thumps the table) Jill, stop riding a jet ski in my pool!

Jill: (from outside) Don't yell at me! I'm your sister!

Jack: (gets up and walks out of the kitchen) What are you talking -- (walks past a mirror, and discovers that his relfection looks exactly like Jill) What the hell is going on?

Jack's Reflection: You're Jack, but you're also Jill, because the real Jill died when she was eight years old!

Jack Sadelstein: No! That's not true!

Jack's Reflection: Why does Jill look exactly like you?!

Jack Sadelstein: No!!! (punches the mirror, causing it to shatter. Jack then thinks for a moment, then takes a shard, slits his throat, and falls to the floor, babbling, and finally dies.)

(Channel Flip)