Transcription:Our Newest Member, Calvin

The scene begins with the Joes from G.I. Joe are assembled and Duke presents them with a new member.

Duke: Attention, Joes!

Pan to Duke and the new recruit, Calvin; a sniper wearing a black suit and a sniper rifle on his back.

Duke: I'd like to introduce you to our newest member, Calvin.

Gung-Ho tosses him a beer.

Gung-Ho: Welcome to the team, Calvin. You can call me Gung-Ho.

Calvin: Um, actually, I've never really been too crazy about "Calvin." So, if we could get to the codename part sooner rather than later?

Duke: Ah, will do. Will do. So, what do you think, gang?

Calvin: Well, as you can see, I like to wear black-

Snake Eyes and Roadblock chuckle.

Calvin: And, uh, not to boast, but I was at the top of my sniper class at West Point. So, maybe, "Deadeye?" Or how about "Killshot?" A-and you know what? I have a PhD; so maybe "Dr. Killshot." Huh? Paging Dr. Killshot. Pa-pow.

Calvin's beer flies all over the place causing Calvin to slip and fall. The other Joes begin to laugh really hard at him.

Cut to Flint.

Flint: Looks like someone had an accident.

Cut to Gung-Ho.

Gung-Ho: Way to go, Fumbles.

Cut to Shipwreck.

Shipwreck: "Fumbles." That's perfect.

Cut back to Duke.

Duke: Ah, that settles it! Welcome to the team, Fumbles.

Calvin gets back on his feet.

Calvin: What?! No, no, no, no. I'm an insanely talented sniper. I'm a doctor, for god's sake.

Spirit: Did everyone hear? It's Dr. Fumbles?

The Joes start laughing again.

Cut to Scarlett and Lady Jaye.

Scarlett: I think we should cancel our "Who's gonna f%$k the new guy first?" contest.

Calvin: No! No, no, no wait. Not Fumbles! Come on! You can call me "Sureshot" or "Triggerman!"

Fumbles slips again and breaks the table all the Joes start laughing again.

Gung-Ho: That is some classic Fumbles there.

The alarm goes off.

Duke: Enough fun, Joes! COBRA'S on the move! Fumbles, I want this mess cleaned up by the time we get back.

The Joes head out and leave Fumbles behind.

Fumbles: No, f#&k this! No, I quit!

Cut to COBRA HQ with COBRA Commander holding a checklist and pencil.

COBRA Commander: Welcome to COBRA, Calvin! You need a codename and-

Cut to Fumbles in front of COBRA Commander.

COBRA Commander: My, those are some fancy trousers you're wearing. I shall call you "TrouserSnake!"

Fumbles: Heh. I don't even care anymore.

Cut to the Joes getting ready to attack and two fighter jets fly overhead.

G.I. Joe: GO, JOES!

Everyone else: GO, JOES!

G.I. Joe gets shot. Cut to Fumbles with his sniper set up.

Fumbles: Wind 3.8 miles southwest. Mark velocity 7.8 kilometers per hour.

Fumbles fires again and cuts back to Spirit.

Spirit: What? What's happening?

Spirit gets shot.

Shipwreck: My god, I don't even hear the shots.

Shipwreck's parrot gets shot, then he gets shot.

Flint: For the love of all that's holy, get behind a tank!

Flint gets shot in the throat. Snake Eyes jumps out with his swords looking for his opponent. He gets shot. Cut to Gung-Ho running back and forth through Fumbles' sniper lens.

Gung-Ho: I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die.

Fumbles: Hey, Gung-Ho...

Fumbles shoots.

Fumbles: Hold that thought.

Gung-Ho's brain flies out of his head.

Fumbles: Whoa-ho-ho. Fumble.

Cut to Lady Jaye crying to Flint as the other Joes get shot by Fumbles. Eventually, she gets shot and cuts to all of the fallen Joes. Spirit's eagle circles around until it gets shot as well. Cut to Duke and Scarlett hiding behind a tank.

Scarlett: Make it stop. Make it stop! Milton, is he gone?

Scarlett looks over and she gets shot in the face.

Duke comes out of hiding.

Duke: YOU MOTHERF$%KER! You took away everything I loved! Take me too! Take me too!

Duke rips off his shirt. Cuts back to Fumbles.

Fumbles: No. No, you live with it.

Fumbles puts his sniper rifle back on his back as the members of COBRA look at the aftermath.

COBRA Commander: Well, uh, great job, uh, TrouserSnake.

Fumbles: It's Fumbles. It was always Fumbles.

Fumbles walks off.