Transcription:The B Team

(Two thugs are harrassing an old man [McKay] in his bar. One holds a wooden board with a nail in it)

Thug 1: Nice place you got here pops. You should pay us for protection, make sure nothing... (nudges McKay with the board) happens to it.

McKay: Oh, I've got a policy with All-State, so I'm in good hands.

Thug 2: Oh, yeah? You insured against this? (knocks over the equipment he was leaning on)

McKay: Yes, that's in the policy

Thug 1: Well now your rates will go up, riiiight? (shoves the board into McKay's face)

McKay: Oh no! I can't afford that!

Thug 1: Ha ha ha! We'll be back for our money! Ha ha ha, big exit laugh! (both thugs leave)

Thug 2: (o.s.) Hehe, I hate small business owners!

McKay: (grabs a phone) Hello, operator? What's the name of those war criminals turned mercenaries who get paid to protect you from criminals who want to get paid for protection? (gasps) Oh yeah! The A-Team!

(Outside McKay's bar, a big, clunky black and red van drives up erratically, knocking down garbage cans and hitting a newspaper vending box)

McKay: How exciting! Hannibal, BA Baracus and the whole team!

Handy Ball: (smoking a very long cigarrette) Negatory on that communikay, chief. Ah, your credit's not good enough for the A-Team. We are the B-Team! (He hits the play button on a boom box which plays a cheap knockoff of the A-team theme song. The other three members of the team emerge.)

Handy Ball: (close-up of a muscular black man with a huge afro) G.D. "Generally Displeased" Barabus.

G.D: Better not be riding no trains! I like drinking my apple juice!

Handy Ball: (camera pans to a stereotypical gay man with a cravat) Noah "Assman" Hathaway.

Assman: Charms and kisses from me to you!

Handy Ball: (aside) He played Boxey on the original Battlestar Gallatica. (camera pans to a twitchy, spazzing man in a straight jacket) Captain F.N. "F***in' Nuts" Madlock.

Madlock: P-P-PLEASE make my memories go away!

Handy Ball: And I'm Handy Ball. Got that handle undercover in Hanoi. Don't ask why, and I won't tell.

McKay: Good golly, what is the C-Team like?

Handy Ball: Eh, a bunch of surly midgets.

(at the thugs' garage, the two are playing cards. The B-Teams van suddenly screeches to a halt outside with its theme music blaring. The team walks up to the thugs)

Handy Ball: Here's the deal boys: You leave town and my friend here doesn't change your zip-code to 0-0-0-my nose is broken.

G.D: I got sympathy for that 'tard! Grrrrr!

Thug 2: Uh, g-give us just a sec here.

(The thugs walk outside and close and lock the garage door.)

Handy Ball: Damn it, they tricked us!

Madlock: (kicks over a table and chair and screams) AAAAAH, I CAN'T TAKE IT! (he ambles around the garage, groaning and shivering)

(The rest of the team spots a lawn mower and various power tools around the garage)

G.D: Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Handy Ball: I love it when a plans gonna come together eventually!

Assman: Let's do it!

G.D: I like using big tools!

(With their theme song playing, Handy Ball picks up a saw, G.D. a blowtorch, and Assman a chainsaw. Murdock comes onscreen with a rope wrapped around him, smiling and twitching. They are ready to plot their escape)

Title Card: [12 hours later]

(two cops open the garage with black gas billowing out, causing both of them to cough. Handy Ball, G.D. and Assman are lying on a crude construction of theirs, dead)

Cop 1:(coughs) Dead from carbon monoxide.

Cop 2: Oh! (Madlock suddenly swings into view and bumps into the cop, having hanged himself on the rope) Oh, my gosh! This is the worst thing I've seen since that old bar owner was beaten to death earlier today.

Cop 1: Hey, check this out. (presses play on the B-Teams boom box, and the two cops dance to the theme song)

Cop 2: Ooh. Take the tape.

(channel flip)