Transcription:Misery, My Sweet Babboo

(on the ice pond)

[everyone is skating. Snoopy tosses Linus into a tree, a la "A Charlie Brown Christmas"]

Franklin: Oh no! We’re late for Christmas play rehearsal!

Frieda: Don’t worry. Charlie Brown’s in charge. We can just ignore him and dance repetitively.

Kid: I "love" dancing repetitively!

[all kids leave. Linus is left under the tree until nightfall when a unknown person (we are looking from their POV) approaches him.]

(inside)

[Linus wakes up and finds that he is tied to a bed by his blanket. Sally is by his side.]

Sally: Linus! You’re awake!

Linus: Uhhhh, why am I tied up?

Sally: Because you’re going to write me the love letter I always wanted!

Linus: Love letter? I need to go to a hospital!

Sally: I always wanted to be a nurse! They have such pretty white shoes! (leaves)

Linus: Things look bad for ole Linus.

(outside of Snoopy’s dog house)

Charlie Brown: Snoopy, have you seen Linus? He was supposed to walk me to chemo… Can you help me find him?

[Snoopy nods, jumps behind the dog house and reemerges as Batman with Woodstock as Robin.]

[A montage ensues with Snoopy and Woodstock parodying the Batman & Robin TV show introduction.]

[Back in reality, Snoopy is seen on top of his dog house punching air.]

Charlie Brown: *sigh* Good grief.

(inside)

Sally: I made snowflake soup! I know how much you like catching snowflakes on your tongue.

Linus: So basically you made me a bowl of hot water?

[doorbell rings. Sally runs to answer the door, but accidentally tosses the bowl of hot water on Linus’ lap.]

Linus: Ahhhh!

(front door)

[Sally opens the door and finds Snoopy as Batman standing on the step, but mistakes him for…]

Sally: Val Kilmer?

[Snoopy shakes his head no.]

Sally: Heeeey, you’re my brother’s dog!

[Snoopy points to the tree where Sally snatched up Linus, and follows the tracks that lead up to the doorstep.]

Sally: I shoulda known you’d figure it out. You’re always so snoopy. Oh heeeey! Snoopy! That’s your name! It all makes sense now!

[Sally and Snoopy laugh for a second, until Sally brutally beats Snoopy with a shovel and drags him inside.]

[Small scene where Sally dumps Snoopy’s dead body down into the cellar, a la "Misery".]

(in Linus’ room. He is writing on paper with a seemingly free hand.]

Linus: Oh my God! They just murdered Val Kilmer!

Sally: Where’s my love letter, Sweet Babboo? [picks up and reads the letter] This isn’t a love letter! It’s a cry for help! Did you think I’d let you mail it?!

Linus: But Sally, it’s Christmas!

Sally: You’re right! I almost forgot! [brings in a spikey old Christmas tree, very similar to the one from "A Charlie Brown Christmas", and places it between Linus’ ankles.] Does this tree look sturdy enough?

Linus: Uhhh, f-for what?

[Sally takes a hammer and breaks Linus’ ankle on the tree, a la Misery.]

Linus: SCHUUUUUUUULZ!!!

[later, Linus has his ankles wrapped in gauze and he finishes the 'love letter.']

Linus: *sigh* It’s done.

Sally: Really?! Can I read it? [reading the letter:] 'Dear Sally, see the words on this page? Please keep your eyes on them so you don’t notice the thing I’m about to do.'

[as Sally is reading the letter, Linus unties himself and prepares to strangle Sally.]

Sally: Wow! I’m hu-

[Linus comes from behind and begins to strangle Sally as she gasps for air, each time Linus tightening the blanket’s hold on her throat.]

Linus: (as Sally begins to lose consciousness) Shhh, shhh. It’s almost over. Shhh.

[Sally loses consciousness. Linus releases his grip and lets her fall to the floor. Charlie Brown enters.]

Charlie Brown: Linus! Thank goodness! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!

Linus: I WAS IN YOUR HOUSE, YOU BLOCKHEAD!

Charlie Brown: Good grief! I can’t do anything right! Even my sister’s a psycho!

Linus: I never thought she was "that" bad. She wasn’t that bad at all, really. Maybe she just needed a little love.

[Sally regains consciousness, gasping for air, but Linus smashes a lamp over her head, killing her.]

Linus: By the way, Val Kilmer’s dead.