Transcription:Redshirt Revenge

(scene starts in USS Enterprise, Montgomery Scott or Scotty arrives at the bridge in USS Enterprise)


 * Captain James T. Kirk: Report, Mr. Scott.


 * Scotty: Captain, somebody traded all of the dilithium crystals for pornographic holograms!


 * James T. Kirk: And?


 * Scotty: With no power, all life support on the ship is about to fail.


 * James T. Kirk: And?


 * Scotty: Our only hope is to beam down to the nearest planet, but there is only enough power to send five people. I can't do no more!


 * Mr. Spock: Captain, logic dictates that each of the 433 crew members.


 * Lt. Uhura: Hey! Where did Kirk go? (camera scene changes to the same bridge scene without James Kirk) Oh, no. He didn't.

[while deciding who gets to beam off the ship]


 * Lt. Uhura: Uh, I have a vagina.


 * Scotty: Sure.


 * Mr. Spock: A vagina could prove quite useful.


 * Red Shirt Crewman: I'm Toby the Red Shirt. You need a red shirt, you just do.


 * Mr. Spock: Quite logical.


 * Scotty: Sure.

[the whole crew on the planet looks to the Red Shirt Crewman to eat first]


 * Red Shirt Crewman: Aww, fuck all you all!


 * Mr. Spock: It is your duty as a crewman.


 * Red Shirt Crewman: Screw that. On behalf of all the red shirts who fell before me, it makes me proud to speak the following sentence. [long pause] I'm the only one who brought a gun.


 * Kirk: Ohhh....

[black screen, you hear four phaser shots; shows the Red Shirt Crewman eating Kirk's arm]


 * Red Shirt Crewman: Mmmmm, that's good ham.